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Array
(
[sid] => 78163
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => those eyes and drunken words
[time] => 2005-01-02 15:02:31
[hometext] =>
[bodytext] => he says "......................." and my stupid heart flutters and i smile and i think i know everything i think everything can be set right if we both want it bad enuff and i'm fooled he lies or at least one of the two of us is delusional and i write him on the phone opening up again telling him things he will not appreciate altho he only would understand if he wanted to but he is closed up from some kind of obligation some kind of terror of himself some kind of promise intentions may be pure but actions vile all the same and again i wake with eyes swollen putting my glasses on as soon as i've washed the salt from my face to keep the lines from blurring the ghosts are here now and they pulsate and transform every minute changing colours and shapes with those same two eyes shining thru glaring at me devouring me destroying me with the doubts they create i face the world grey and drowning in a downpour crying again because those words revoked could have no other meaning the man at the cigar store gives me a chocolate happy new year and i want to hug him thankful for human kindness crying as i leave the store the one i wanted is still there whispering words with those eyes shining thru the shapes as he lifts me high and throws me to the ground again i am a fool i am honest trample my pride underfoot and maybe now he knows what he wanted to know and was afraid or maybe that was only one of the shapes and now terrified he has folded back into himself but i still see those eyes and they say other things all the words that i've wanted to share all those moments and tears still burried bc he has no time to listen and i think of dostoevsky bc he would have written all this beautifuly i've thrown my thoughts and love at him violently from time to time hoping to fill in the gaps of what he missed while i was crying and he reluctant self-absorbed absent minded shinning in the distance took some of what i offered and put it in his pocket never to emerge again while the rest fell away to the ground unused unappreciated not even recognised for what it was embarassed i pretend to be strong i say rational things and without pride i beg for more of his nothings as if i can take this pain indefinately if only his eyes will stay with me thru all the changes of his shapes and colours even if the eyes are only laffing at me i cant bear for them to turn away just yet [comments] => 1 [counter] => 243 [topic] => 43 [informant] => me [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 3 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => oops )
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