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Array ( [sid] => 55589 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Lead. [time] => 2004-07-10 11:20:47 [hometext] => I am 16 yrs old and this is the second poem i have posted on the site. I am looking for honest and critical feedback on my poems so i can improve them. [bodytext] => Lead.

Your receiver is off the hook.
Either that or you've been on the phone for ages
It's engaged nevertheless . . .

I found you in the Yellow Pages
I think I'll hunt you down in stages
First I'll call your house
Next I'll send you roses
Then we'll cut them up . . .

I'd love to wine you, dine you,
feed fine foods to you.
But for now I'm just the nervous
breath down the end of the phone;
just as scared as you.
I'm sorry, I apologise . . .

I love to touch your transparent face,
to try and hold your invisible gaze.
Coils of wire around my finger,
could easily wrap around your neck.
I search the room to find a place
to hide you when i catch you . . .

Although, I'm not in every man you see
They're not all as perfect as me.
I think that you're my soulmate;
Your name and number and panicked voice;
say more than your honest words ever would.
I love you now . . . do you think you could? [comments] => 7 [counter] => 164 [topic] => 59 [informant] => Ehorse [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 9 [ratings] => 3 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => psychoticpoems )

Lead.

Contributed by Ehorse on Saturday, 10th July 2004 @ 11:20:47 AM in AEST
Topic: psychoticpoems

Lead.

Your receiver is off the hook.
Either that or you've been on the phone for ages
It's engaged nevertheless . . .

I found you in the Yellow Pages
I think I'll hunt you down in stages
First I'll call your house
Next I'll send you roses
Then we'll cut them up . . .

I'd love to wine you, dine you,
feed fine foods to you.
But for now I'm just the nervous
breath down the end of the phone;
just as scared as you.
I'm sorry, I apologise . . .

I love to touch your transparent face,
to try and hold your invisible gaze.
Coils of wire around my finger,
could easily wrap around your neck.
I search the room to find a place
to hide you when i catch you . . .

Although, I'm not in every man you see
They're not all as perfect as me.
I think that you're my soulmate;
Your name and number and panicked voice;
say more than your honest words ever would.
I love you now . . . do you think you could?

Copyright © Ehorse ... [ 2004-07-10 11:20:47]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Lead. (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Saturday, 10th July 2004 @ 02:57:21 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

First off, a soulmate at 16 is usually unheard of. Well at any age, they are rare finds. This poem needs structure.You're on the right track, but your vision needs to be opened so you see tiny things in what you express. Your adjective and verb use is fine, but again they need a form, a rhythm, which is what all poetry expresses. Even in prose form, there is a certain rhythm. Do you read poetry? Other poets work on the site? Not all have great form, but a certain rhythm can be felt in the words. You are certainly on the right track and I hope you keep posting and writing, for that is where growth comes from in poetry.
I hope this isn't too critical, because it is only meant to help you. I look forward to more of your work.
Angel always...joni

Re: Lead. (User Rating: 1 )
by Ehorse on Saturday, 10th July 2004 @ 03:21:15 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I'm not sure that you quite understood the poem. The person talking was never meant to be me. It is fictional and is meant to tell a story. But thankyou for your criticism regarding the content. I appreciate your honesty.

Re: Lead. (User Rating: 1 )
by Ehorse on Saturday, 10th July 2004 @ 03:24:33 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I did intent there to be a rhythm to it and when i re-read it i am pleased with the way it flows, but then maybe i have too much of a biased opinion seeing as i wrote it and i know how I intend it to sound.

Re: Lead. (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Saturday, 10th July 2004 @ 04:01:05 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I agree, it does have a certain rhythm to it. I liked the flow, and I liked the word use. I said you did a nice job in expressing. I think this is very well done. You asked for honesty and that is what I gave, what can I say I am honest to a fault and have on many occasions missed a beat or two. Again, keep on writing. I've been writing for 20 yrs. so it takes time to build a rhythm that "others" pick up on. Allow your mind to flow, and your poetry will follow suit!
Again...... This is a FINE poem!
Welcome to the site by the way... :-)
Angel always...joni

Re: Lead. (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Saturday, 10th July 2004 @ 04:04:39 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

BTW I am not the one who rated this a *1*!

A 4... ok, 5 means perfect, so I do give you a 4

Joni

Re: Lead. (User Rating: 1 )
by delusionalangelicsub on Monday, 12th July 2004 @ 02:33:19 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I two gave you a 4...I think it was a very good peice of work and I really doesn't need work...it is fine as it is.

Re: Lead. (User Rating: 1 )
by Catalina on Sunday, 21st September 2008 @ 02:46:41 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

nicely done. keep writin!

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