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Array
(
[sid] => 44485
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Nothing
[time] => 2004-04-23 17:05:53
[hometext] => * Now this is aside from all poetry...All concepts of value and worth will not apply here...*
[bodytext] => I am sitting in my room... In a brown chair looking out the window... Outside, yes, the grass IS green. and the sky IS blue. it's beautiful But all I can see is sorrow and pain and hurt, torment, this is nothing new black, death, pain, insecurity, anxiety, this is nothing new i want to cry about my life, i want to cry about it all but i cant and i want to die but i wont because i'm scared... i'm so scared that i cant sleep and i wont eat and my insides are being torn from me and i want to hide i need to hide... i am so scared of life, of living, of death, of dying. so badly i want to do both, i want to do both so ***** bad. but i want to do NEITHER. I am sitting here with tears that want to flow, sadness that wants to show... but i ***** can't i ***** CAN'T ...there's just too much hurt... so all that's left is anger and hate this is nothing new loathing, despise, this is nothing new ...this is nothing... 'i can do great things i can be a great man' i will be nothing... you all, none of you can understand that i won't be able to take this, i can hardly take it now i just smile and act cheery because it can get by you all and i seem normal. i've learned not to express my true emotions my true feelings because you all tell me to cheer up, and it'll get better. look on the bright side... you would hate me if you knew what i really thought. how i really felt. "That guy is an ***** loser" (that's what you'd say, that's what you've said) this is nothing new this is nothing so i'll be cheerful. and i'll smile, and pretend that everything's ok. and inside i'll hate you, as i hate myself, as you hate me inside. this is all i can anticipate, and yes, if i get up from this brown chair and put down this keyboard and threw myself through this window i WOULD bleed when the glass broke, when i landed on the fence... i would feel the wood tear my skin, the muscle... and for a moment my eyes would be wide for a moment... i would not breathe. and then all in an instant, the pain would shoot throughout my entire body, i would gasp and cry out.. (maybe for you) my face would contort, my fingers stiffen, my skin go white as my muscles clench and my body, misshapen... This is all. This is the escape I saw the Perfect building to jump off of dowtown. I stared at it for fifteen minutes, imagining. It was so high i was so high and one day soon i will realize the invalidity of all my fears and i will jump. (it's on Fort St.) i will jump, because nothing will matter anymore... So, I'd like you to continue ignoring me. I'd like you to continue thinking that it's all in my head. I'd like you to continue casting me aside... this way you won't have to worry Don't Worry. I'll be dead soon. And you won't have to ignore me. You can smile, just like I did, and pretend it's all ok. [comments] => 4 [counter] => 177 [topic] => 39 [informant] => SensitiveSoAbused [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 10 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => Grief )
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