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Array ( [sid] => 21303 [catid] => 1 [aid] => Mick [title] => Slave Ship [time] => 2003-07-31 17:35:00 [hometext] => This really is just one metaphor I have tried several times to write a poem around...here are some of the lines, some tries. I would love it if someone else wanted to try, or offer suggestions... [bodytext] => Is the peace that passes all understanding
A salve, blanketing my redtired eyes
that I cannot choose to close?

As we ride this slave-ship of a planet,
I cannot dance wit the others on deck,
because my ears are unstopped to the wailings coming from below.

But I cannot live among the oppressed either;
my very mobility, unused, is an insult to them.
My heart runs wild within me; I cannot suffer
what none can bear.

--

We dance on the deck of a slave-ship planet;
all the crying and dying goes on down below.

--

Pain that is not mine, yet I try to claim it
Like a stray I found in the alley,
and cannot turn away from.
It does not trust me. I am a fool
to trust it.

There is nothing to do but dance. Yet so many
have their legs kicked out from underneath them.
I see the deadweight thrown off the side of the ship,
their faces, as they descend, accuse me.

[comments] => 3 [counter] => 241 [topic] => 6 [informant] => banjo [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 4 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => AngryPoetry )

Slave Ship

Contributed by banjo on Thursday, 31st July 2003 @ 05:35:00 PM in AEST
Topic: AngryPoetry

Is the peace that passes all understanding
A salve, blanketing my redtired eyes
that I cannot choose to close?

As we ride this slave-ship of a planet,
I cannot dance wit the others on deck,
because my ears are unstopped to the wailings coming from below.

But I cannot live among the oppressed either;
my very mobility, unused, is an insult to them.
My heart runs wild within me; I cannot suffer
what none can bear.

--

We dance on the deck of a slave-ship planet;
all the crying and dying goes on down below.

--

Pain that is not mine, yet I try to claim it
Like a stray I found in the alley,
and cannot turn away from.
It does not trust me. I am a fool
to trust it.

There is nothing to do but dance. Yet so many
have their legs kicked out from underneath them.
I see the deadweight thrown off the side of the ship,
their faces, as they descend, accuse me.

Copyright © banjo ... [ 2003-07-31 17:35:00]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Slave Ship (User Rating: 1 )
by squeesh on Friday, 1st August 2003 @ 04:10:23 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

You hit the subjuect great. I understood every word and often wondered about the same things. Great poem, don't put yourself down about it.
~Squeesh

Re: Slave Ship (User Rating: 1 )
by banjo on Thursday, 7th August 2003 @ 01:24:40 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

thanks for the comment, but just wanted to say, i'm not putting myself down... if anything I'm putting the poem down... it's a piece of art, not my self esteem. You've got to get it out of you, out far enough to turn it around in y our hands, look at it, know its strengths and weaknesses, what it does, what it fails to do. else how can you write anything any better? Maybe this is why people get so touchy about criticism on this site, they're putting their hearts on the page... this comes from my heart, sure, but it's not my heart. Say what you want about it, if you really mean it, I'm glad you said it. It's a poem. It's just a poem. It's not my heart, my soul, my self-esteem. At the same time, it's a poem -- a high and (perhaps) holy form of art. It deserves to be good, to be worthy of the title, and not to be talked down to or patronized.
Nuf said.

Re: Slave Ship (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Tuesday, 3rd August 2004 @ 05:22:12 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Interesting write, banjo. It has a powerful metaphor with some good angles.

Keep writing.

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