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Array ( [sid] => 159580 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Dark Apocalyptic Poem [time] => 2010-05-05 22:17:42 [hometext] => First poem entry.... went for a very dark apocalyptic feel. Constructive criticism is encouraged. Enjoy!- Jarl17 [bodytext] => Breath of the Dying- Jarl17

Wander through the city, my last creation
As your lungs choke you up in asphyxiation
Feel Death’s wind and watch the grey sky
Taste the sweet ash; let your hope run awry

That faint sound you hear
Caressing your ears
Is the breath of the dying
Nobody’s here

The sole witness to the end of humanity’s age
Imperfect filth deserving of only a grave
A perfect hand of God has always forgave, but
Your spawn mass murdered itself in blind rage

So wander through the city, my last creation
Your kind doesn’t earn any hopeless salvation
Follow your brothers and sisters and die
Finish the job, for your end is nigh

That faint sound you hear
Caressing your ears
Is the breath of the dying
Nobody’s here

You blind filthy wretches
You had your last chance
Mass-suicide granted
Walk the dead man’s dance

All void of heart nor soul,
(Brethren divided, hatred united)
Grave’s maw open, join the fold
(Brethren divided, hatred united)
Meant to love and learned to hate
(Brethren divided, hatred united)
Mankind itself has sealed its fate

So wander through the city, my last creation
As your lungs choke you up in asphyxiation
Feel Death’s wind and watch the grey sky
Taste the sweet ash; let your hope run awry

The breath of the dying
Oh that sweet, soothing voice
Is what you’ll soon hear
From your own soulless grave…
Death earned by a choice
[comments] => 2 [counter] => 180 [topic] => 13 [informant] => jarl17 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )

Dark Apocalyptic Poem

Contributed by jarl17 on Wednesday, 5th May 2010 @ 10:17:42 PM in AEST
Topic: DarkPoetry

Breath of the Dying- Jarl17

Wander through the city, my last creation
As your lungs choke you up in asphyxiation
Feel Death’s wind and watch the grey sky
Taste the sweet ash; let your hope run awry

That faint sound you hear
Caressing your ears
Is the breath of the dying
Nobody’s here

The sole witness to the end of humanity’s age
Imperfect filth deserving of only a grave
A perfect hand of God has always forgave, but
Your spawn mass murdered itself in blind rage

So wander through the city, my last creation
Your kind doesn’t earn any hopeless salvation
Follow your brothers and sisters and die
Finish the job, for your end is nigh

That faint sound you hear
Caressing your ears
Is the breath of the dying
Nobody’s here

You blind filthy wretches
You had your last chance
Mass-suicide granted
Walk the dead man’s dance

All void of heart nor soul,
(Brethren divided, hatred united)
Grave’s maw open, join the fold
(Brethren divided, hatred united)
Meant to love and learned to hate
(Brethren divided, hatred united)
Mankind itself has sealed its fate

So wander through the city, my last creation
As your lungs choke you up in asphyxiation
Feel Death’s wind and watch the grey sky
Taste the sweet ash; let your hope run awry

The breath of the dying
Oh that sweet, soothing voice
Is what you’ll soon hear
From your own soulless grave…
Death earned by a choice

Copyright Â© jarl17 ... [ 2010-05-05 22:17:42]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Dark Apocalyptic Poem (User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on Thursday, 6th May 2010 @ 06:02:49 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

interesting... welcome to ypdc,

hugs n' love nessa

Re: Dark Apocalyptic Poem (User Rating: 1 )
by Aspirant on Thursday, 6th May 2010 @ 11:16:42 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Very well written, has a nice feel to it (even if a dark one). Very strong rhymes make for an interesting result.

I found a couple bits to be a little awkward, though, personally. First the mention that the (supposedly doomed) people, don't earn any "hopeless salvation". It seemed to me that this was no big loss, if the salvation they're missing out on is somehow hopeless. It's an interesting paradox though, since salvation shouldn't be hopeless by definition.

The other part I wasn't sure about was in the third last stanza: "all void of heart nor soul". The use of "nor" here indicates a negative, so it's like saying it's NOT void of heart or soul. That is, assuming a literal interpretation of the words. Of course it's also possible to infer the meaning that there is no heart or soul, and the use of an additional negative in this sense can be said to reinforce the feeling of something being lacking. The same sort of argument can also be used in support of the "hopeless salvation" phrase as well.

All in all a very nice write, keep it up. You did a great job making it feel dark, I particularly liked the recurring "breath of the dying", quite powerful imagery.

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