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Array ( [sid] => 153335 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => IF I COULD. [time] => 2009-09-16 22:23:54 [hometext] => PLEASE CRITIQUE AND RATE MY POEM.........even negative feedback is better than no feedback at all. [bodytext] =>
If i could lay with you, just one time
and feel your heart beat next to mine
and wrap my arms around you
and draw you close to me,
and if i could feel your warm embrace
and gaze upon your gorgeous face
and feel your passion start to rise
how ecstatic i would be.

If i could make sweet love to you
do anything you want me to
and have you moan and sigh my name
that would be really sweet,
but if i could watch you fall asleep
and listen to you breathing deep
and have you cradled in my arms
my life would be complete.

J.Kent. 17/2/2003 © [comments] => 2 [counter] => 196 [topic] => 2 [informant] => TsunamiWaverider [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 40 [ratings] => 11 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => LovePoetry )

IF I COULD.

Contributed by TsunamiWaverider on Wednesday, 16th September 2009 @ 10:23:54 PM in AEST
Topic: LovePoetry

If i could lay with you, just one time
and feel your heart beat next to mine
and wrap my arms around you
and draw you close to me,
and if i could feel your warm embrace
and gaze upon your gorgeous face
and feel your passion start to rise
how ecstatic i would be.

If i could make sweet love to you
do anything you want me to
and have you moan and sigh my name
that would be really sweet,
but if i could watch you fall asleep
and listen to you breathing deep
and have you cradled in my arms
my life would be complete.

J.Kent. 17/2/2003 ©

Copyright Â© TsunamiWaverider ... [ 2009-09-16 22:23:54]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: IF I COULD. (User Rating: 1 )
by christinalwk on Wednesday, 16th September 2009 @ 11:37:40 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I quite like this... honest and to the point, but not overly blunt. The only thing I would suggest is working on the rhyming, because there are a few couplets that rhyme and a lot that don't. Fantastic work though!!!

~~christinalwk

Re: IF I COULD. (User Rating: 1 )
by Loende on Thursday, 17th September 2009 @ 06:35:25 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

A bit simplistic and left me with no real attachment to the work. I think you should try to grow more and explore more than these simple kind of rhyming schemes. If you had done that, I might have engaged more with the piece, since it's of an engaging topic.

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