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Array ( [sid] => 149339 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Zooey [time] => 2009-04-23 16:41:36 [hometext] => feedback please [bodytext] => Magic Raven hair in the air
You walk but your not really going anywhere
People stop and of course they stare
And I wish I could dare, cause i really do care
But when i see you there, its just so unfair

I get stuck in a haze, like i’m in a cage
Oh But damn you amaze
Its like I'm on stage,its a craze
And I Cant get out of your daze

If I could just show you i’m here
I could just appear
I’ll tell myself there nothing to fear, Whisper in your ear
I’ll Be with you near.

One day when its me you see
I’ll just be happy, and we will be free
[comments] => 1 [counter] => 196 [topic] => 55 [informant] => onlyafool [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => dedicatedpoems )

Zooey

Contributed by onlyafool on Thursday, 23rd April 2009 @ 04:41:36 PM in AEST
Topic: dedicatedpoems

Magic Raven hair in the air
You walk but your not really going anywhere
People stop and of course they stare
And I wish I could dare, cause i really do care
But when i see you there, its just so unfair

I get stuck in a haze, like i’m in a cage
Oh But damn you amaze
Its like I'm on stage,its a craze
And I Cant get out of your daze

If I could just show you i’m here
I could just appear
I’ll tell myself there nothing to fear, Whisper in your ear
I’ll Be with you near.

One day when its me you see
I’ll just be happy, and we will be free

Copyright Â© onlyafool ... [ 2009-04-23 16:41:36]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Zooey (User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on Thursday, 23rd April 2009 @ 07:00:56 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

On first glance, I'd have to say that you're practicing overkill
in the rhyming department. You're not only rhyming every final
word in each line, but you're also employing an internal rhyme
in some lines. Too much!

When selecting a word for your poem, think about using a rapier
rather than a broadsword. A rhyming word should not only have
the capacity to rhyme, but it should also fit appropriately within
the context of the poem.

Try to keep in the back of your mind when writing your poetry, that
it is better to infer your meaning rather than state directly. Let your
reader parse it out for himself.

Having mentioned these points, let me say that we're all guilty of
making them. It's in the re-write where most of these problems
tend to get corrected.

I hope this doesn't put you off continuing with your writing. You
should keep writing, regardless of whether you're going to concentrate
on prose or poetry; don't forget to look back and make corrections after
reflecting on your work.

Stoney

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