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Array ( [sid] => 147844 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Cabin Boy [time] => 2009-02-07 22:28:59 [hometext] => A short work where I tried to work on my use of the comma. Any and all comments will be appreciated =). [bodytext] => -

For when the clock was ticking
And time draws nearer still
Those imposed upon supposed
the strength to bend my will

Believing is deceiving
The waves of breakers will
Maligned, files the tattered flag
N' melancholy skies it'd fill

They will smash into the rock
They tried to warn them 'way
Their signals smoked with cold remorse
No sound was heard that day

Watched as I approached them
Fast the word does wreak
I am the curse upon the ship
Withered coral reef

~ [comments] => 4 [counter] => 267 [topic] => 32 [informant] => Mars [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 9 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => SadPoetry )

Cabin Boy

Contributed by Mars on Saturday, 7th February 2009 @ 10:28:59 PM in AEST
Topic: SadPoetry

-

For when the clock was ticking
And time draws nearer still
Those imposed upon supposed
the strength to bend my will

Believing is deceiving
The waves of breakers will
Maligned, files the tattered flag
N' melancholy skies it'd fill

They will smash into the rock
They tried to warn them 'way
Their signals smoked with cold remorse
No sound was heard that day

Watched as I approached them
Fast the word does wreak
I am the curse upon the ship
Withered coral reef

~

Copyright © Mars ... [ 2009-02-07 22:28:59]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Cabin Boy (User Rating: 1 )
by Jenni_K on Saturday, 7th February 2009 @ 10:46:49 PM AEST
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Wonderful flow...I loved this..
Jenni

Re: Cabin Boy (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Saturday, 7th February 2009 @ 11:41:45 PM AEST
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I am guessing from our previous conversation and your comment that you desire input.

Based on what I have read by you before, I would have to say concern yourself less with a misplaced comma or the use thereof and don't compromise yourself. Remember again that this is merely my own personal opinion and I am by far not an expert. I do however have an opinion and an "Any and all comment". :D

What I am trying to say as I found in the past that you have a very creative mind and you have written some thought provoking pieces when you weren't as concerned about your punctuation. Yes, improve yourself...yes, yes. However, don't let it get in the way of your natural abilities.

I liked this but I just got the feeling that it would have been better if you weren't trying to conform to what you think others might want from you. My opinion is, write what you want the way you want. If someone likes it, then cool. If someone doesn't then still cool because you wrote from your heart instead of your notebook. Someone will always appreciate what you have and measure your success by your own standards, not everyone else's. Write what you want from you. You cannot please everyone but you can write some very pleasing and enjoyable poetry.

Take care,

Tim

Re: Cabin Boy (User Rating: 1 )
by joelmuses on Sunday, 8th February 2009 @ 12:01:55 AM AEST
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I would omit the word "For" in the first sentence,
it implies that there was something previous stated.

"The waves of breakers will maligned, flies the tattered flag n' melancholy skies it'd fill"
isn't grammatically sound. it has beautiful thought behind it, but the phrasing itself gets in the way of what i perceive to be real poetic spirit.

on the whole, i think the idea behind this is incredibly strong.

but you should take a look at how it reads. an otherwise beautiful premise is a bit blotted mistakes.

revise, and i'd love to read again!

Re: Cabin Boy (User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on Wednesday, 25th February 2009 @ 11:05:08 PM AEST
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Very creative writing.
Huggs,
emy

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