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Array ( [sid] => 144969 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Panic [time] => 2008-09-06 13:41:21 [hometext] => My first poem, in a while. Tell me what you think, please! :) [bodytext] => A grip, a blossom, then; quickly unfurling, unfolding
as if the black could find its home
To miss, in slight, then; swiftly churning, choking
the blight of reason in its own

favor; the breath in, then; softly pleading, imploring
Keeping time to the rhythmic dissonance
Seeing, the obscured, then; weakly fading, failing
Certain in dread, to the trite romance

Of snares, of solitude, each, in their own
Pulling and pressing, the chest is tight
In flares, in flashes, bleached, left alone
Waxing and waning, the rest is night
[comments] => 4 [counter] => 231 [topic] => 65 [informant] => joelmuses [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => toughstuff )

Panic

Contributed by joelmuses on Saturday, 6th September 2008 @ 01:41:21 PM in AEST
Topic: toughstuff

A grip, a blossom, then; quickly unfurling, unfolding
as if the black could find its home
To miss, in slight, then; swiftly churning, choking
the blight of reason in its own

favor; the breath in, then; softly pleading, imploring
Keeping time to the rhythmic dissonance
Seeing, the obscured, then; weakly fading, failing
Certain in dread, to the trite romance

Of snares, of solitude, each, in their own
Pulling and pressing, the chest is tight
In flares, in flashes, bleached, left alone
Waxing and waning, the rest is night

Copyright © joelmuses ... [ 2008-09-06 13:41:21]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Panic (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Saturday, 6th September 2008 @ 02:04:00 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I think the poem itself was great, good word
choice and rhythm; however, the abundance
of commas (especially in line 3 of each
stanza) kind of obscure the poem and trip
the reader up a bit. I can definitely feel your
yearning and desperation though, very
emotive. Overall, great job!

~Jesse

Re: Panic (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Saturday, 6th September 2008 @ 03:36:52 PM AEST
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Let me first second that notion of your over use of commas (it is a bit much).

But then let me second the applauding of your work. The emotion and word choice in this work is gripping and completely poetic. The sense of longing and inner felt damnation inside of the subject that I believe you are trying to express is exceptional.

Particularly the second stanza...this is so poetic and GIANT in it's descriptions. If indeed you are speaking of what I believe you are this is something that most adult readers can relate to and it is indeed a slow torture. I've been here more times than I wish but being there is exactly what makes me a poet and is exactly why I can relate to this deeply.

In a term, this was a breath of fresh air.

Bravo!

SCM

Re: Panic (User Rating: 1 )
by Blake on Saturday, 6th September 2008 @ 04:03:14 PM AEST
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really nice write...it is true, the commas are a bit much, but it doesn't take away from the power ur poem has... i really enjoyed reading it. It's gripping.

nice work!!

Re: Panic (User Rating: 1 )
by Muinanyere on Saturday, 6th September 2008 @ 04:10:41 PM AEST
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the feel of this poem just screams to me, beautifully written. I am glad you posted it

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