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(
[sid] => 130332
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Roses
[time] => 2007-01-09 23:05:42
[hometext] => Feel free to comment. I want as much feedback as possible, good or bad. It's poetry from the heart about family. Hope you enjoy.
[bodytext] => They say once you leave, you don't come back.
How sad that they were right, for you are what I lack.
It was all for me, selfish me.
Why couldn't I realize what was the true beauty.
The world is at fault for what it did reveal.
Or, was it my inability to see what, in the end, could heal.
Healing my pain, my anger, my anguish.
It's agonizing to see now that you are my only wish.
A wish so badly needed that I would've given all I had.
Why, oh why does this have to be so mad?
Mad because of how you were right there, so close, so near.
Mad because of how I still chose not to listen, not to hear.
Your memory can only live in one place now, a place I've found.
It's a place that, after much searching, is where I am forever bound.
Never again will I take life's true gift for granted.
I will embrace it, keep it in my heart, keep it planted.
I am my family and my family is me.
I am hear to stay, very gladly.
They say one who leaves knows not where their home is.
Home is in the heart,and if I leave, tell them I'll leave the roses...
[comments] => 16
[counter] => 410
[topic] => 23
[informant] => Alex23
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 16
[ratings] => 4
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => FamilyPoems
)
Roses
Contributed by
Alex23
on
Tuesday, 9th January 2007 @ 11:05:42 PM in AEST
Topic:
FamilyPoems
|
They say once you leave, you don't come back.
How sad that they were right, for you are what I lack.
It was all for me, selfish me.
Why couldn't I realize what was the true beauty.
The world is at fault for what it did reveal.
Or, was it my inability to see what, in the end, could heal.
Healing my pain, my anger, my anguish.
It's agonizing to see now that you are my only wish.
A wish so badly needed that I would've given all I had.
Why, oh why does this have to be so mad?
Mad because of how you were right there, so close, so near.
Mad because of how I still chose not to listen, not to hear.
Your memory can only live in one place now, a place I've found.
It's a place that, after much searching, is where I am forever bound.
Never again will I take life's true gift for granted.
I will embrace it, keep it in my heart, keep it planted.
I am my family and my family is me.
I am hear to stay, very gladly.
They say one who leaves knows not where their home is.
Home is in the heart,and if I leave, tell them I'll leave the roses...
Copyright ©
Alex23
... [
2007-01-09 23:05:42]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by Zajabalaj on
Thursday, 11th January 2007 @ 08:44:35 PM AEST
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Great write, i really like the way you write.. a very, hazy at first, then realization style.. very good, very well done!! family is always where your heart is..
~Z~ |
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on
Friday, 12th January 2007 @ 01:47:38 AM AEST
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And I shall leave a rose back with you for this lovely write filled with wisdom and heart. I shed a couple tears over this one. Nicely woven I say here.
~Michelle~ |
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by NoSaint on
Saturday, 13th January 2007 @ 10:19:13 PM AEST
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a Message)
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beautifully written
Shari |
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by HoneyCat on
Sunday, 14th January 2007 @ 12:05:13 AM AEST
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a Message)
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this so reminds me of how it feels
good job
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by xfrozenwindx on
Sunday, 14th January 2007 @ 03:36:54 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| Wow, that was beautiful! And so emotional. That was just a really powerful piece of poetry. ;) Loved it. |
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by TheSpiritx on
Sunday, 14th January 2007 @ 09:39:19 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I'm gonna Devil's Advocate this a little since it's what I do. I hope I give you some worthwhile comments, though. :)
Content:
I was able to follow the story, but I couldn't empathize with the feelings presented. This is more on the part of the reader than the author to accomplish, however.
I love the last line with the roses. I dig it because it feels like it has some more meaning there beyond the knowledge of the reader and that the roses mean more than what roses generally resemble, but also that they symbolize love and so your saying you'll leave the roses is akin to leaving your love behind, which fits the theme and context perfectly.
Style:
I like the two-line stanzas and the rhyme scheme is simple (AA, BB, etc). The fourth stanza, the word 'anguish' feels forced, but you get that sometimes with a rhyme scheme. A few other places are awkward with word choice: first stanza, second line, "for you are what I lack."
My biggest advice to you is that you should write and submit only things that YOU like, so you're free to take or leave my comments, but I want to briefly cover how I write. When I do a structured poem like this, I write it rough and fit the rhymes, then I go over it multiple times to see if I can't change the words or the message a little to make the poem flow smoothly. Rhymes always present a struggle between content and style.
When it is freestyle poetry, I write what I am going to, then read it to fix errors, but that's it. Once I have it down, I don't change it.
I explained my process just to give you an example of how you could go about writing structured poems, if you decide to take it.
Overall:
Minus what I mentioned above, the overall effect was still good. You've got some good elements of poetry and the last line kicked it all over the edge.
Thanks for submitting. :)
TheSpirit |
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by Clarity_Rising on
Sunday, 14th January 2007 @ 09:54:13 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
This is another excellent poem.
I really like your style of writing.
Keep up the great work!!!
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by bratty_wifey209 on
Monday, 15th January 2007 @ 02:55:07 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| beatiful it brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my thorat. family is specail, ya we all want to run away at times and get a new family i alwyas wanted to live with the brady bunch... your words were touching at heart felt |
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by ever1der on
Monday, 15th January 2007 @ 07:40:05 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
I think that we the reader must try to dig and can then, only guess at the poet's meaning. That's what metaphor is really.
One thing representing something else. The roses..I feel that there is hidden meaning there. I don't have the knowledge to really critique this..I never count or anything which is pretty obvious in my writing LOL. I have so far enjoyed the 2 writes you've done..tell me about the roses? |
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by Alison on
Wednesday, 17th January 2007 @ 07:12:51 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| very true and deep, i like this poem a lot, thanks! |
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 18th January 2007 @ 11:56:33 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
| very nice...your quite good...look forward to reading more...Shari :) |
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by XxNights_ChildxX on
Monday, 22nd January 2007 @ 09:12:57 AM AEST
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a Message)
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*gives u a cookie* excellent write hun, i absoultely adored it :) keep it up
Jenni xxoo |
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by Loriann on
Saturday, 17th March 2007 @ 08:12:13 PM AEST
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a Message)
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This is an absolutely beautiful and breathtaking poem. You are a very good poet. Outstanding job.
Loriann |
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by Sena on
Saturday, 17th March 2007 @ 09:00:07 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| I especially liked the last line about leaving the roses. Very creative! |
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by Janet on
Saturday, 17th March 2007 @ 09:07:47 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I like the message in this poem---home IS where the heart is and your heart found it's true home....
Nice write.
Janet |
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Re: Roses
(User Rating: 1 )
by Vampirequeen on
Tuesday, 17th April 2007 @ 11:54:00 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| will i must say you did an awsome job on this write.well done |
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