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Array
(
[sid] => 122770
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Hard Roads to Travel
[time] => 2006-07-05 08:59:13
[hometext] => (a journey from love and back again)
[bodytext] => Abash’d the devil stood, And felt how awful goodness is, and saw Virtue in her shape how lovely. Paradise Lost. Book iv. Line 846. I turned away from gorgeous light When my heart was rent that night By Fortune’s arrow in hard flight Which took my love into dark night… Bitter, bitter taste of mourning no lesser for the dawning of the days that follow blindly without an echo of relief, from the awful pains of grief. they said that I was tending, not giving to the mending too afraid to put aside the memories deep inside, too selfish to let go of the feelings born of you in their fragile crystal basket, like you in earthen casket… So. I turned to the Bible, the Koran and the Torah but I raged at all the gods, so I listened to the Buddha -but I held fast to my grief so that none gave me relief. life tasted as of ashes and consolation felt like lashes, so I turned to the needle and the pipe in addict’s cradle and the bottle, yes the bottle and I felt the spirits battle for the soul inside the flesh for the rose amongst the trash, and... Darkness won. the sweet, sweet touch of evil and the awfulness of good. I know I shouldn’t say it, and by God I hoped and prayed it wasn’t the fluid in my veins -but hope drowned in all my pains. and when the last drop dried to vapour all that left was blackest anger, and a raging at the skies for all life’s hurtful lies, and... Well. For a time I was a devil, a dry and hollow vessel I couldn’t feel or show compassion and I gave out hurtful lessons to those who tried to comfort and strangers, for the sake of it, driven by a hateful venom that felt strong and hard and darksome, until that stinging sense of numbness told me this state was all but hopeless… So. I let go of all my grief, and cried till raw relief had drained most of the bile and I found I could still smile. so I made all my contritions in my actions and confessions, and I prayed to Mother Fortune that my heart would start to mend soon and I wept upon your gravestone saying goodbye to guilt’s maelstrom, taking my first step on the journey back to love and peace, and uncertainty. [comments] => 6 [counter] => 246 [topic] => 39 [informant] => spike [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 45 [ratings] => 9 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => Grief )
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