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One way street
Contributed by
mindset
on
Friday, 30th June 2006 @ 02:38:11 PM in AEST
Topic:
dedicatedpoems
|
Feel that cool breeze blowing
A whisper from a past forgot
Sometimes walking alone
Thoughts run free and simplify
And old friend of past
A feel you never knew
Just walks on in
He seems kind and true
Understands you
Inside and out nothing but a vulnerability
That is you
So your door opens
And he just walks on in
A promise across a table
Life so soon pure difference
No longer inside looking out
Your time becomes
Outside looking in
Thats ok for years ahead
Not taking much in on what is changing
LIfe is feel and what do you care
Never had this before
No more slow we is a superstar
So high no despair
No Holding back
Look at them we know it all
Who are you
So much change didnt see the become
So busy pushing forward
Only on the run
How many people get left behind
Signed a contract i dont mind
Look in their eyes so much hate
In their minds so much mistake
What have i become
Copyright ©
mindset
... [
2006-06-30 14:38:11]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: One way street
(User Rating: 1 )
by Socks on
Friday, 30th June 2006 @ 06:39:07 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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I felt that you weren't getting your idea across quite clearly enough. (In some places it was also a little confusing what you were trying to say).
There were a few forced rhymes I thought; and this stanza I really didn't like: "Just walks in on/ he seems kind and true/understands you". It feels really forced to me.
Maybe you should try to write this poem in free verse - just free and not worrying about rhymes or line breaks or anything (tell yourself a short story with a few short sentences?) and then try to convert that into this poem. |
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