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Array
(
[sid] => 109223
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => abstact meditations on free will in a facist culture
[time] => 2005-11-07 07:45:25
[hometext] => definitive verson of late night thoghts
[bodytext] => Midnight comes and goes, I think. I can’t sleep the lights too bright for my eyes. I’m paralyzed. Its got me paralyzed, blinded by the light. I want to sleep, I need to sleep. But the lights too bright. The wall must hold. I am myself, I am myself. I’m in a vice. The wall must hold Squeezing, Squeezing The wall must hold, I am myself . Reality, what is reality? It bends. The Shiny Smiley People are leaning out from the box, arms extended holding out handfuls of the Shiny Black Beetles With The Sabre Smiles, tempting me to defy my eyes. I’m wide awake. This is not a dream. The wall must hold, I am myself. But they’re attacking my mind looking for a way in. The wall must hold, I am myself. I resist sending out waves of my Personality to drive them back. They wait on the other side of the room. I close my eyes, no surprise. I can’t break free, it makes no difference your etched into the lids of my eyes, I’m paralyzed. The Shiny Black Beetles With the Sabre Smiles wait, the Shiny Smiley People in the box watch. The wall must hold, I am my self. Anger will sustain me. Damn you! I’ll pick you up and throw you out of the window, smash you into a million pieces. But I can’t move my arms. What window? Is that air I’m breathing? I am weak I need to sleep, I am paralyzed. I want to get up and turn you of but you are on the other side of the room, staring down at me, the Eye of the Beast. Where are my arms? Why can’t I move my neck? Keep away from my brain you Shiny Smiley People. Stay back you Shiny Black Beetles With Sabre Smiles. I can’t take it This supposed to cure me I’m going insane. The wall must hold, I am myself All I can see are White Walls, White Light what I wouldn’t give for one good night. Mary Jane! Mary Jane! get your pretty ass in here take this gag of I want to scream. Why can’t it be night, someone turn out the light. Mary Jane turn out the light. I’m scared. I’m running! Oh God I’m running! You’ve abandoned me just like my Mother. I was a fool to trust you I see that now. Get the hell away from my brain you Shiny Black Beetles With The Sabre Smiles stay back. I’m running! Help! Damn you! Help! My mind is Melting! Boiling! Melting! I am imprisoned in the Four walls. Outer space Inner space there is no difference. The pressure. The wall must hold but the box is, Blazing! Blaring! Blazing! Shiny Smiley people judging, Shiny Black Beetles With The Sabre Smiles waiting. ‘No choice give in’ No! No! Please God let me swallow my tongue. I’m paralyzed I cant take it. I’m breaking. Why am I here? Mary Jane, Mary Jane! White Walls, White Light why can’t I get one good night. Sterilizing acid burning me clean. It is too bright. "You will be clean" Mother! Mother! You left me at home with the babysitter, now my jailer. Oh how I tried to get away from the ties that ounce again bind and improve my mind but the ghost from my childhood has returned. I’ve found the Brain Police. This is Hell White Burning! Blinding! Searing Hell. If I could just close my eyes and die. This is Hell! The Shiny Smiley People watch, The Shiny Black Beetles With The Sabre Smiles wait. I can’t take it. I’m sorry I thought that thought. I’m sorry I read that book. I’m sorry I brought that album .I give up No! I am myself. Yes! I don’t want to be me right now. "You will change" No! "You are ours give in and the pain will stop the doubt the confusion the sadness the depression will melt away for there are warm arms attached these Smiley faces". The wall! The wall? I want to be loved there in my brain. Mary Jane/Mother I want to be loved. Walls made of Sand crumble into the sea and melt away. Shiny Black Beetles With The Sabre Smiles I welcome you now twist me to your designs. I don’t want to hurt any more. I just want to be loved. I just want to sleep. Sleep. Oblivion is peace. [comments] => 1 [counter] => 218 [topic] => 73 [informant] => PLformalyknownasPpaul [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 0 [associated] => [topicname] => abstract )
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