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Fantasy
Contributed by
strider
on
Monday, 17th October 2005 @ 02:52:47 AM in AEST
Topic:
fantasy
|
I will eat up your soul
you do nothing about it
Youll pray me speak to you
I will feign deafness, how about it
Will call you up everyday
Upon you, with one stroke strike pleasure and pain
Your desire will I help fuel till it burns completely
Only to be rekindled at the appointed day
Will stir up dreams and win you back easily
For you will always long for my presence
Never figuring out your essence
You will never touch my existence
For I am a flitting illusion gave life by you
in you, I have taken form and words
Words will be enough to make you happy and high
Though I may be ugly before the public eye
You would see a prince, a knight
Come rescue you from your lonely towers
I am a phenomenon borne in lonely hours
Slipped through your subconscious conscious boundaries
Played with your senses and memories
Gained entrance into your originality
I am your FANTASY!
Copyright ©
strider
... [
2005-10-17 02:52:47]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Fantasy
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Monday, 17th October 2005 @ 03:06:34 AM AEST
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Well written. I think we all have fatasy at times.
huggs,
emy |
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Re: Fantasy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 17th October 2005 @ 04:36:07 AM AEST
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I guess you'd appreciate honesty, as much as I'd like brevity in this comment. Advice? Give up the rhymes. They aren't clever, nor impressive in any sense if not accompanied by a recognisable metric - so if you don't understand what I mean by that, then you really should find out, preferably from an internet poetry workshop, such as the poetry-free-for-all on everypoet.org. As for the content, the idea of impersonating a fantasy is an interesting one, at least in the depersonalised sense of the image you're trying to portray from within the fantasist's imagination. However, there is a lack of grammatic sensibility;
"how about it
Will call you up"
on line 4/5 which, although interpretable, has me re-read the piece - something I don't want to have to do, as a reader skimming through one of one hundred poems. If it makes sense with as little difficulty to comprehend, then your readership is less likely to have an averse reaction, regardless of how twee the subject is, in reality.
In terms of improving this submission, I'd concentrate on the 'public eye' part, as that is the most interesting section, IMO. It concerns the reality of perception, basing it against the subject's aspiration, and the personalised fantasy; three perspectives which improves the scope in this poem for characterised dialogue, or even a tried and tested character metaphor. The eventual choice is up to you, but this would give a greater depth and range of theme, other than this rather telly, and straightforward concept of merely 'being' the fantasy.
Hope this helps,
N_F |
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Re: Fantasy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Eternal_Dreamer on
Monday, 17th October 2005 @ 06:17:41 AM AEST
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Well Felix an interesting piece u have here. One's fantasy is one desire. I hope you take up some sound advice from Neptunes_First.
I think with a little alteration my dear friend, this poem can go a long way. Alot of effort put into this poem. Keep up the great work Felix.
*hugs*
Sue |
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Re: Fantasy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 25th October 2005 @ 11:11:29 PM AEST
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punctual errors. The expressed "how about it" does not conform to the laws of english pertaining to the following sequence "will call you up everyday". The correct grammar would be "how about it?"
"How about it" cannot "will call you up every day". That is impossible.
try harder. |
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Re: Fantasy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 25th October 2005 @ 11:13:32 PM AEST
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punctual errors. The expressed "how about it" does not conform to the laws of english pertaining to the following sequence "will call you up everyday". The correct grammar would be "how about it?"
"How about it" cannot "will call you up every day". That is impossible.
try harder.But don't give up. |
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