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Destiny
Destiny is the thing that keeps troubling me. So I'll start it off, and rant on until the end. Please offer advice.
To start, I find it hard to believe in destiny considering I believe in free will. Now, when I say "destiny" what I mean is God setting aside a future for me and guiding me through it to assure that something specific happens. That thing may be me getting a certain job. While all other aspects of life are entirely up to me, I have no free will when it comes to the fact that eventually this thing (getting a certain job in this example) will need to be done.
Alright. Now to rant.
When I was about five years old, I had this feeling about life. This is the earliest recollection I have of this feeling, but I assume I had felt it for a while. I felt need to apologize for something I didn't even know what was, the feeling that I was responsible for everything bad that's going on in the world, and I couldn't rest until I'd solved it all. What I did at that young age was ask God to take away all the pain the world feels - every last tear - and inflict it all upon me. Have me be the only sad person. If that wasn't possible (as I knew that was a lot of pain for a single boy), then take away a little bit of pain from everyone so that it would total up to just as much as I could bare.
My assumption of the situation is that God did just that, as I've found myself depressed and didn't have the slightest clue as to why. My way of dealing with any such feelings was to supress it. So that I did.
Skip ahead about ten years. I meet a girl and develop feelings for her. However, I don't want these feelings, so I naturally tried to supress them. Turns out, you can't supress these feelings, and my mind went through some sort of withdrawal, as if supression was a drug. I didn't know how to handle it, so I started writing poetry. In the end, I realized that supression was not how I wanted to handle my feelings. As put best by Incubus in their "Love Hurts" song, "Love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt, and it feels like I'm alive." I realized that all these emotions that I'd been bottling up, after releasing them, made me feel so... human. I stopped bottling things up. As a result, these feelings return - the feelings about the world needing help, and how I have to do something about it. I view it as, "God gave me free will; if I can help somebody who's been hurt, but don't, then am I any better than that which hurt them in the first place?" Nothing you can say is going to make me feel any less guilty about not helping those in need, but that's beside the point. I'm not looking to feel less guilty.
The girl I met has had problems. More than she deserves, by far. She told me them; and I felt guilty, responsible. I had to do something, but nothing was coming to mind. She told me she was suicidal, and I freaked. All of a sudden everything was flowing from me - how much she meant to me, how worthwhile life is. So many things I didn't even know I felt (or was in denial about). I prayed to God and told Him that He could take whatever He wanted from me (my happiness, my money, my future, anything), just ensure that she stay safe. If something were to happen to her, I'd feel like it was my fault. I figured a deal with God would ensure her safety. If she died, and I told God this, I would have given up faith in Him. I had a discussion with a friend who told me that I shouldn't have the kind of relationship with God where I just make deals or threaten to stop believing. It got to me, and that night I prayed that He guide her through these hard times. No deal. I simply asked for help. This would be the second time I asked God for something (first being when I asked to feel pain for others) and the second time God delivered. The very next day, she told me about how her problem had improved. Not quite fixed yet, but it was the first time I'd seen her smile in weeks. My faith in God soared. I started praying every night.
Now, even while I bottled things up, I knew of the pact I made with God. I'll never forget being a crying child, feeling responsible for everything. And I always had this urge to help people - to fix their problems, if not because I "caused" them, because I have free will. I'm incapable of not helping someone in need. Or, if I don't, I'll feel greef for extremely long periods of time. It's been months since my brother and mom got into a fight, and I still regret not stepping in to stop it, even though they're fine now. I assume the everlasting feeling of regret is simply my motivation to step in next time and turn down no one.
Why I brought up the need to help people: I started taking it as a "destiny." I had to do it, and I thought God had something to do with me feeling this way (naturally, as I asked Him to make me help people). I felt it was "destiny" to meet her. She said I saved her life twice. We had only known each other a month, and we'd already been through... situations most wouldn't even dream up. It just seemed too flawless of timing - me meeting her and getting to know her just well enough for her to open up to me enough to "save her." I'm pretty much forced to believe in destiny because of this situation - if I don't accept that destiny exists, then I have to accept that she's only alive right now by an unbelievably slim chance (the chance of meeting someone [and how we met*] and becoming so close in only a month).
* We had been acquantances for a while. Kinda. We knew each others' name, but that was it. Towards the end of November, she sent out a chain letter on instant messenger (on accident even) that said "blah-blah-blah, I want you for Christmas." I knew it was a chain letter. We didn't know each other well enough for me to be what she wanted for Christmas, obviously, but I sent it back to her to be sweet. We arranged a friendly date and so it starts. After that, we were and are very close. If I were to not accept destiny, I would have to accept that she's alive on accident, since she accidentally sent me that chain letter.
So I felt I was meant to help people, above all else. I prayed to God about the situation, and did receive answers - be it in the form of a thought going through my head or noticing something or someone bringing up "helping people." Out of every question I've ever asked or every situation I've prayed to be fixed, God has only denied me once, and that was when I asked Him to make me stop having feelings for this girl. I asked why I had to have feelings for her, and did get an answer - one that made sense. I prayed to God and remade the pact I had made as a kid. I asked Him to use my life for what He wanted done, not what I wanted. From there, the feelings intensified.
Approximately a week after I made that pact (again), I started having these conflicting emotions. The thoughts in my head, the signs - these were just like when He'd answer my questions, except with a magnitude so much stronger that I can't even put it into words. The signs were obvious. The thoughts were oh-too obvious. The reasoning behind these thoughts made too much sense. I had to make a choice: I had to stop being her friend if I wanted to continue helping people. Why? Simply put, she was only hurting me. She is madly in love... with someone else. My feelings for her would only become stronger if I stayed her friend, and she's someone I couldn't have. On top of that, it would be hard to help others if I had a connection to everyone I've helped. If I couldn't leave her behind and move on, then how could I help those far away? Just because they don't live near me, doesn't mean I didn't need to help them. I spent 48 straight hours debating whether I should listen to God and stop being her friend (not in a "I hate you and never want to see you again" sort of way, but a nice "I hope you understand" sort of way). I asked for help from everyone I could ask, but everyone said they couldn't imagine being in my situation and making this decision. Helping people is the only thing that satisfies me. Love is the only thing that makes me happy. As it was shown to me, if I stayed her friend, I would experience neither helping people nor love (because I could never have her). Long story short, I chose her friendship. She, throughout my entire life, has been the only person who's ever cared about me, or cared enough to tell me she cares about me. So, I had to. I couldn't/can't leave her behind when she's practically the only person I have. Besides, I promised her that I'd always be there for her (at the time, I had forgotten that I had also made a promise to God to do what He wanted).
After I made my decision, destiny really hit hard. I was thinking about whether or not it was possible to escape destiny - just 'cause I chose her friendship, doesn't mean I'd get to keep her friendship. So far, God hasn't denied me (excluding the one time for which He had reason). So far, everything I was "told" would happen by staying her friend has happened. However, I was never told that I can't escape destiny - not during the decision, anyways. I was once told a story about a man (a man I knew; it wasn't an old tale or anything; true story) who kept having dreams where God would tell him to become a preacher. He simply took them as him being crazy, and continued pursuing other careers. All throughout his denial, he was miserable. He lost his money, his house, his girlfriend, and never could keep a job. He gave up in the end and became a preacher. He became successful, owns a house, is married, and is still doing it years into the job. This is where the idea of "not escaping destiny" comes in. But, I dont know if what I have is destiny. What I always took destiny as is something God decides before you're born. If something needs to be done, God will decide before birth "You to do [task]." And you have no choice. My situation, however, was something I asked for, so it is (hopefully) something I can give up.
I was thinking about how this whole thing could have been a test. Everyone who helped me decide (or didn't) whether to choose destiny or her friendship did tell me one thing: I should be with her as more than a friend. This could have been God's way of testing whether or not I really cared about her. It was soon after I chose that she said, "You know I like you, right?" Right. I had no clue. Turned out, we both had feelings for each other; however, her feelings for the love of her life were infinitely stronger. Hearing her say that was only fuel for the fire. Predictions started coming true - I fell even more for her, and I was in oh-so much pain. "There's a chance he and I won't work out." Thoughts started coming into my head. Pain kept strong. I realized my mistake in denying God. I'm not saying it was a mistake to choose her friendship, because if I had the choice again, I would do the same thing. But I do not doubt His word. He pulls through. I was hurt badly and everything I foresaw happening after choosing her friendship happened.
I started fearing how God would come down on me. I was thinking of all the ways He could hurt me, like promised, and one thought hit extra hard. I thought that He might hurt her to hurt me. If by choosing her friendship, I'd end up hurting her... I couldn't live with that. I prayed, and I prayed strong. Not for myself - His grudge was against me, let Him keep it against me. I prayed that He not take it out on her. She didn't deserve it, and He knew that. And as I prayed, I started thinking about how she didn't deserve a lot of the crap life has thrown at her. I asked God to make me feel it instead. She doesn't deserve it, I do. Take her pain away, give it to me. I believe He did just that (He has yet to deny me). The very next day (or perhaps the day after), her problems were, as far as I knew, gone. She was happy, and I was depressed, but didn't know why. I had suicidal thoughts that lasted only briefly, but if you asked why I had them, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I learned from this that I can barely handle one person's pain. How, at the age of five, did I expect to handle the world's? It only built my motivation to help people - this pain shouldn't exist in the world - but it was a little too late for helping, now. It felt like God had abandoned me. I had an emptiness inside. The feeling I got when God lifted me up when I was done no longer came to me. I felt hollow.
Not too long ago, I accidentally managed to have a deep discussion with someone online (no one I knew personally). I helped him. He was having relationship/life problems. I helped him. It was the happiest I'd been for longer than I could remember. It was the only time I'd been happy for quite some time. It brought up the thought again about whether or not I can escape destiny. This could have been coincidence, or it could be that I really have no choice in the matter - the real test was not for her affection but for God's word. And I failed it. Now I didn't know what lied in wait for me - either it was coincidence, and I get to go on feeling pain; or I can't escape destiny, and only God knows what I was about get myself into (Pain for denying Him? Happiness for helping others? It could have been anything.).
A word of advice she gave me once was that when two people are around each other, and one of them knows the other one likes him or her, they start acting differently. Not on purpose, but it's human nature. Day by day would go on, and I would notice these things in her. She's one of my best friends, but we can barely make eye contact. She's the only person I have, but I can't even hug her. We've been through so much, but still the awkward silence. It's not a normal friendship. This, I fear, could be destiny showing it's hideous face once again. Not to bring joy to my life, but to say "You can't escape me." Our friendship could end, and I could go on to help people - without her. The choice I didn't choose is forcing me to choose it.
However, this could still be coincidence. Coincidence that I was in the right place at the right time to help that one person. Coincidence that we have awkward silence around each other - it's only human nature after all.
I know I will hate myself for leaving something out after I post this, but I think that's the entire story. Any thoughts? Think I'll be her friend in the end (and escape "destiny")? Think there is a such thing as destiny and God spoke to me or am I just crazy?
Thanks,
Charlie
Re: Destiny
I just read all that you wrote.. don't forget that there is a devil and evil.. or evil beings.. God does give us free will. and I think God wants you to be happy for certain.. I understand how you feel right now.. I think being friends with this girl is making you go through all this.. because it seems like its too difficult for you.. because it seems no matter what you do you can't stop thinking about being with her.. sometimes we get ideas in our heads about being with someone but maybe God has someone better suited for you in the future but you have to grow a bit before it happens.
I feel bad for this girl if she has had problems but maybe God wants someone who is better for you when the right timing comes. another great way to help people is become a conselor that is a great job or do what me and my mom do just help people when they need it and give that to God.. help them for God.. God will be very pleased with you on that one.
I always say though Follow your heart and always ask God for guidance.. he does know best. and when God gives us an answer its best if we don't question it. also beware of the evil one who makes things worse..
vampyress jenni
Re: Destiny
There are few things better than the desire to help others (maybe only one thing, and that's love and reverence for God). However I think there can be a point at which we become too weighed down by the problems of others. Nowhere in God's word to us does He indicate that He wants us to be emotionally or spiritually miserable in His service - on the contrary, the Apostles in prison sang hymns of joy. But I well understand how the problems of others can hurt us when we try to lend a hand, or our support and love. But a constant diet of that crushing weight robs us of spiritual strength.
I think you're on the right path, and one tremendously important thing is learning to accept and look for God's will, over and above both your will and the will of the person you are trying to help. I think it's only by knowing the full weight, the importance, of God's will that the incredible trouble of this world can be borne. It loses its importance when we know that what will result in the end is the will of a good God. It can hurt a lot to see someone seemingly being punished unjustly, but when we believe that the will of God is good, then we can trust that this thing or situation, no matter how bad it is, will in the end bring about good. Sometimes it seems impossible to understand how, but in the very act of non-understanding, of admitting the matter to be above us, we can find a new perspective. Sometimes it’s all we can do, and it is a lot better than agonizing over the seeming unfairness of it all.
I have more on my mind as well, but am not finding a way to say it properly. I may return here.
Andrew
Re: Destiny
I know that God's way is the right way... and that I would be (and perhaps the world would be) better off if her and I weren't such close friends. This decision would be so much easier if it felt like someone other than her cared about me. I know she's not the only one, but it feels like she is. The reason I was suicidal was because my mind kept telling me that she didn't give a damn about me. I know, now, that that's not true. But I also know now how I would feel without her.
Except, if I told her that we couldn't be such close friends, she'd still care about me... and it's the right thing to do. Everything, life would be perfect if I could just do it. Like a band-aid. But I can't. I need her. She gives me confidence and has taught me so much about how to live my life. I need her.
Re: Destiny
see i think and im going to be honest here well im always honest but i truly think you depend too much on her to give you confidence.. you have to make yourself happy and feel yourself worthy and then you can feel better about things.. I know it is hard sometimes and we all fall down and fall short but seriously.. you gotta break the dependancy of that girl and you gotta quit thinking that you need her you know.. i think that is where alot of the problem lies..
its too painful for you to continue to be friends with her and it shows.. its ripping you apart and making you hurt worse.. I can tell.. i think you should rely more on yourself and God for happiness. get in the mindset that you need God not a person.. then ask God to help you with these feelings..
vampyress Jenni
Re: Destiny
How can I not depend on the only person that cares about me for confidence?
Re: Destiny
you have to learn to love yourself and like yourself and be confident in yourself..
I know its hard especially when you feel no one cares about you but seriously.. you have to learn to give yourself confidence ..
Pray to God to help you learn to love yoruself and give you confidence seriously it works
vampyress Jenni