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Contributed by ShadowDaughter
on Tuesday, 10th August 2004 @ 08:11:04 PM AEST
Topic:
fictiongeneral
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In the succinct obituaries, not many days later, the names of the two men in room 431 of Summerwinds Hospice would be listed as Auchter and Rosenberg. As it happened, neither man knew the name of the other, but despite this the two found themselves talking with the comfortability of those beyond caring about particulars, etiquette; everything.
In a former life, Charles Auchter was a genial senior citizen with several grandchildren. Geoffrey Rosenberg had been a quiet but well-liked middle-aged banker.
None of that mattered anymore. Auchter had been diagnosed with lung cancer two years earlier; Rosenberg with an incurable form of anemia ten months ago.
A cassette tape of elevatorlike music perpetually played in the room with all the ironic cheer of a forced smile. This, accompanied with tasteful blue wallpaper and a grandmotherly armchair, all contributed to the management-desired effect of Summerwinds being a pleasant place to reside.
But Rosenberg had had hearing problems since childhood and heard no music; neither of them had their eyes open long enough at any given time to see the pretty wallpaper; nor had they the strength to walk to the comfortable armchair; and both men knew quite well that they would die in that room, with or without a blandly pleasant musical accompaniment.
So they spoke, the two men, in rasps and whispers back and forth between the pair of beds. Anything to distract them from that undiscovered country that haunted their dreams and loomed on the horizon.
Auchter awoke one night from a nightmare that improved little when he opened his eyes. In a hoarse, urgent voice that contrasted crudely to the ever-present music, he asked of Rosenberg, “you awake?”
Silence, but Auchter thought he could see the other man roll over. “Curse his hearing,” Auchter muttered, and said louder, more urgently, “are you awake?”
Rosenberg grunted. “Mm-hmm.”
“Good. I just had a dream that brought it all back, all the memories, and there’s something I have to say. I just have to, I need to.” The old man’s creaking voice was uncharacteristically emotional.
“Whaaa?” asked Rosenberg groggily. It was two in the morning and between Rosenberg’s hearing and the amount of sleeping and pain pills he had taken the night before, he could scarcely comprehend Auchter’s words.
“There’s something I never told you; something I never told anyone,” Auchter said in a hurried, fervent rasp. “Something that happened years and years ago, something no one’s known about but me . . . it’s eaten away at me for so long, so very long –I can’t bear it anymore!-- and I have to say it, I just have to. You’re the only one I’ll see before my end, and,” his voice grew more intense, if that was possible, “I can’t die having no one know. I need to tell you.”
“Mmm, what is it?” Rosenberg murmured, sensing vaguely that he should be paying more attention but unable to muster any.
Auchter lowered his already soft voice to a parody of a whisper. Taking a deep breath, a silent watery tear trailing down his weathered face at the effort of finally baring this secret that had been hidden for so long, he gathered his last remaining strength and told his story. It tumbled out, harsh and raw from his throat as years of silence gave way.
Rosenberg thought he heard something but wasn’t sure. Damn those hearing problems of his, he thought. “Beg pardon?” he asked blearily, but his fellow patient never heard him ask.
A smile creasing his face at the thought that his secret and self had finally been told to and exposed to someone after so long, that his long-kept secret would not die with him, Auchter had quietly passed away.
Copyright © ShadowDaughter
... [2004-08-1008:11:04]
(Date/Time posted on site)
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Re: Room 431
(User Rating: 1)
by Former_Member on Wednesday, 11th August 2004 @ 04:13:53 AM AEST
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The wonders of absolution, in irony.
Thoroughly enjoyable read, Nora. I look forward to more . . . and I wouldn't change a thing. |
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Re: Room 431
(User Rating: 1)
by Ilhar on Wednesday, 11th August 2004 @ 05:18:18 AM AEST
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excellent
Shari |
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Re: Room 431
(User Rating: 1)
by Jenni_K on Wednesday, 11th August 2004 @ 03:48:11 PM AEST
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Excellent piece.. well done. Needs no change. The fact that you left your reader in suspense made it even better....
Jenni |
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Re: Room 431
(User Rating: 1)
by MoonlitAngel on Wednesday, 11th August 2004 @ 08:53:17 PM AEST
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No fair, I wanna know what the secret was!!! Meanie.
Clearly, you've written it well. lol. Poor old dead guy. Can't help feeling sorry for him. Oh well, ignorance is bliss, I guess. What you don't know can't hurt you. Especially when you're dead. :D
Great story!
~ Dee |
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Re: Room 431
(User Rating: 1)
by hooray_its_jen on Friday, 13th August 2004 @ 08:43:44 AM AEST
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Nora Nora Nora...Consrtuctive criticism? Are you crazy? This is awesome, and it is perfect just the way it is :)
I still can't believe it...CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?!?!???
Anyways, GREAT write! Can't wait to read more.
~Jenzie ;)
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Re: Room 431
(User Rating: 1)
by lostinmyself on Monday, 16th August 2004 @ 12:41:09 PM AEST
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I love it as much now as i did the first time i saw it.
*still wants to know the secret* lol
I love the way the story leaves you with questions, wanting more. lol.
Great write hun!
*hugs* Phil xxx |
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Re: Room 431
(User Rating: 1)
by Fionndruinne on Sunday, 22nd August 2004 @ 09:56:54 PM AEST
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Bravo! This is the first story I've gotten around to reading. Curse that procrastination of mine, for I've been missing out. Excellent job. This has all the points of talented literary skill. Nicely, nicely done, my friend.
And yes, the irony is quite pervasive, and the ending leaves one curious.
Andrew |
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Re: Room 431
(User Rating: 1)
by bobotheclown on Tuesday, 24th August 2004 @ 03:40:37 PM AEST
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Hmm very interesting I found this oddly funny.
I don't really know what to say except this
helpful comment that "i enjoyed it"
Bobo (Joel) |
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Re: Room 431
(User Rating: 1)
by a_bear on Sunday, 5th September 2004 @ 03:46:01 PM AEST
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DID I MISS SOMETHING???? |
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Re: Room 431
(User Rating: 1)
by Dawny on Saturday, 25th September 2004 @ 05:47:20 AM AEST
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Awwwhhh what was the secret!!!!!!
This is excellent Nora, such attention to detail. One of those stories that hooks you in and doesn't let go. Have you ever thought of writing a book, I reckon you could do it easily.
Excellent read
Love Dawny xxx |
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Re: Room 431
(User Rating: 1)
by gt on Friday, 15th October 2004 @ 05:18:43 PM AEST
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Really nice story, great idea. Just a little thing, to me the style seems a bit too, its hard to describe, sort of clinical, it seems to clash a bit with the emotiveness of the story. Does that make sense to you? |
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Re: Room 431
(User Rating: 1)
by Essentially9 on Friday, 13th May 2005 @ 09:16:10 PM AEST
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nora, please tell the secret =] lol what a disappointment expecting to hear the secret, to only have it unheard. grr. ::doesnt like the twist:: lol. nora i hope to read more short stories from you, because for one so young you are quite the writer =] (only said that because i can hardly say that to anyone on this site) =] |
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