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Array
(
[sid] => 9401
[catid] => 1
[aid] => Mick
[title] => Falling
[time] => 2002-12-29 12:00:00
[hometext] => Not sure this flows right...I'd appreciate any advice on ways to make it run smoother.
[bodytext] => Life is so dark, because there’s no light,
Because years ago, the human race lost the fight,
And over time, we knew we'd disappear,
But how could we know we’d be taken by fear?
We've fought life so much, to find ways to survive,
Now that is all ending, we are all cursed to die.
Just how much suffering, can the universe take?
I think that creation was just a mistake,
Seems just like yesterday, man was doing well,
But today we've created a lonely hell.
I wish that someone, could save us from fate,
But looking around, its clearly too late.
There's no such thing as family, or even friends,
Not a soul will care, the day the world ends.
We are all just too tired, we gave all that we could,
It is never enough, because we felt more then we should.
There always was hope, until we fell too low,
Friends and family became strangers, there's nowhere to go.
Existence is hollow, there's far too much pride,
Everything is empty, nothing's left deep inside.
Truth to be told, the fight has been lost,
Evil has purchased our souls without a cost.
Frustration is building, I hear failure calling
All of mankind is now merely falling.
[comments] => 6
[counter] => 198
[topic] => 43
[informant] => Richard
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 5
[ratings] => 1
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => oops
)
Falling
Contributed by
Richard
on
Sunday, 29th December 2002 @ 12:00:00 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Life is so dark, because there’s no light,
Because years ago, the human race lost the fight,
And over time, we knew we'd disappear,
But how could we know we’d be taken by fear?
We've fought life so much, to find ways to survive,
Now that is all ending, we are all cursed to die.
Just how much suffering, can the universe take?
I think that creation was just a mistake,
Seems just like yesterday, man was doing well,
But today we've created a lonely hell.
I wish that someone, could save us from fate,
But looking around, its clearly too late.
There's no such thing as family, or even friends,
Not a soul will care, the day the world ends.
We are all just too tired, we gave all that we could,
It is never enough, because we felt more then we should.
There always was hope, until we fell too low,
Friends and family became strangers, there's nowhere to go.
Existence is hollow, there's far too much pride,
Everything is empty, nothing's left deep inside.
Truth to be told, the fight has been lost,
Evil has purchased our souls without a cost.
Frustration is building, I hear failure calling
All of mankind is now merely falling.
Copyright ©
Richard
... [
2002-12-29 12:00:00]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Falling
(User Rating: 1 )
by LOWMAN613 on
Monday, 30th December 2002 @ 12:58:18 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Richard great peice here I wouldnt change a thing! The flow was great,the words too!
This is such the truth, I know where your coming from! Christina |
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Re: Falling
(User Rating: 1 )
by Ilhar on
Tuesday, 31st December 2002 @ 02:18:35 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| the piece flows beautifully it is very good i don't think you need to change anything |
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Re: Falling
(User Rating: 1 )
by OreO on
Wednesday, 1st January 2003 @ 04:14:09 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
Oh Richard such a strong message in this poem you have created my friend...i hope something isn't happening in your life that you feel this terribly about life my friend because there is alot of beauty in this world...I do agree with allllll of what you said in this poem as i have felt many of these feelings many times in my life and some of them am feeling now as i write this.....i completely agree with the very last line in this poem where it says All of mankind is now merely falling , and it's so sad because peole tend not to want to see this....i thank you for sharing this one, this is a beautiful write my friend and i enjoyed it tremendously....
.:*~*:.OreO.:*~*:. |
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Re: Falling
(User Rating: 1 )
by tease_whizz on
Tuesday, 18th February 2003 @ 06:47:57 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| this is so powerful, i can really relate to what you're saying...it flows naturally but with enough rhythm to give it some force...great write, keep them coming xxx KT |
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Re: Falling
(User Rating: 1 )
by Wrybod on
Monday, 24th February 2003 @ 06:30:22 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Richard, re your note can only see a few points that could be smoother so I've printed it out to give you a reply later.
I agree with the point you are making and have done a couple on the same thing
"There's got to be a better way" and "Restrain your parents" there may be other references elsewhere but I can't remember off hand. We have a great deal in common |
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Re: Falling
(User Rating: 1 )
by Wrybod on
Monday, 24th February 2003 @ 07:40:37 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Richard, Well I've got your excellent poem in front of me and (since you asked) will see if I can make any suggestions......
.First verse second line.......suggestion
Because years ago, our race lost the fight
and over time, knew we'd disappear
Line five
We've fought life so much and tried to survive
Now that it's ending we're all cursed to die
Just how much more, can our planet take
Verse two
Line one
Seems only yesterday man's doing well
but today we've created a develish hell
Line five
There's no such thing as family or friends
Line seven
We are all just too tired, we gave all we could
Never enogh.........felt more than we should
Verse three
Line one
There always was hope, but we fell fat too low
Family and friends......... all had to go
Line four
Everythings empty,nothing inside
Hope this is some help it's not intended as a criticism. If you want to compare, my best for rhythm is "Jonathan Pioneer Penguin" or
"Lament for Mad Carew" written in Rudyard Kipling style
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