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(
[sid] => 89268
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => This is my Soul.
[time] => 2005-03-29 22:37:44
[hometext] => 11:30 pm Easter Sunday I came home and sat down at the computer and poured everything in my head into type. Wanna see something raw? This is what's in my head.
[bodytext] =>
Right now i just really need to let things out. I just came home from a great day and i was feeling awesome. until i walked in my front door.
i am here now i hate me i love you and i am lonely. My heart is tearing apart what are these emotions and what good do they do me. I want to blow up my house i hate it i hate not my house but my life. i involve myself with activities to distract myself from my life and when i have nothing to do i see the filth and the insecurity and the stink and the fragile waste that is myself.
right now i just need someone that i can hold in my arms and tell all this to. but no matter what i think, that would not make everything better, it is only a distraction. And ***** that anyway the only people that would possibly do this in this whole anti-social world is the person that i am pushing away from myself. ***** it then. ***** it. why be lonely and want love when love is staring at the palm of your hand. why be so enthusiastic about life when whenever you are given the chance to realize life you hate everything about it.
and why write all this ***** down? because it is a distraction. and as soon as i am done my mad typing and ranting then i will be left to sit. and realize the dirt and the filth.
and now this is me i am hanging out i am chilling with you and you and you and you all stir up my emotions and i know that i cant be with you and i am fine with that but *****!!! being left cold with nothing is a hell of an alternative. so my heart goes flutter and i grow bitter because your fault does not exist and it’s all in my ***** up little small-minded head.
i am not strong. i am as petty and as brainwashed as the rest of them. i seek the same drugs and aversions as the rest of them. as the masses do, so do i and i am a small little pathetic insignificant child little sheep little ***** bag i am worthless. i will never amount to anything. i might as well just quit school and quit life and quit love and all this ***** cuz i am not big enough to handle it i am a ***** retard.
I walked into my house today. I sat down on my bed. I stared. I stared. and then i got up, and thought to myself, “I want a beer.” Lo and behold another distraction and i still grow fidgety cuz my life is waiting and i realized the other month that no matter what happens, i will still wake up in ten years, unless i DIE. in this tubed society i cannot restart this video game my actions have equal and opposite reactions and consequences i cannot pause or take a break tomorrow morning i will still wake up and have to smell the roses or the coffee or the ***** or whatever but what the ***** in ten, twenty years i will still have woken up every single morning and i just don’t think i can handle it. i am pathetic.
You see me as cheery. I am a very cheery man. I am a very cheery man who is going to rip his ***** head apart. I am a very jovial and jocular man who is so ***** close to screaming and crying and throwing ***** and cutting himself very razor deep and i am a very cheery man who wishes he was not so. because cheeriness is a distraction. and being cheery makes me feel good because i am a very cheery man but NO MATTER HOW ***** CHEERY I AM i will still have my worries and my fears and the ***** that just scares the ***** out of me. and it is such a juxtaposition that i wish i either wasn’t cheery or didn’t have problems. and i will always have problems, and i spent eight years depressed out of my ***** skull and i know that that is not the way to deal with life but ***** MAN, ***** BUDDY i don’t know what the ***** to do right about now, shoot me im at the end of my rope here i’ve been through it all and i know exactly what to ***** do but DAMMIT im ***** weak, and i cant ***** do it.
Hypocrite. That’s what they’d call me. Oh, I’ve been through it all and I’ve learned very much I’ve learned so much but when my balls are ***** pinched oh just watch me apply it to my *****, watch me eat my ***** words. what good is learning anything when you cant ***** apply what you’ve learned in the moment????
And after it all my breath is slow and i am still sitting in my room. and i am still shivering and blackness still outlines every organ in my body and darkness still oppresses me on all sides and crushes me from above. and it’s all i can do not to cry. and all i want to do is scream. because i am so alone. i am so very alone. And I’m sure that this will be very educational looking back on, and if you’ve read this far i hope you got touched by something raw cuz its all i’ve got right now. that and my quarter-full can of warm beer.
so happy *****in easter.
goodnight.
[comments] => 5
[counter] => 155
[topic] => 13
[informant] => SensitiveSoAbused
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 5
[ratings] => 1
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => DarkPoetry
)
This is my Soul.
Contributed by
SensitiveSoAbused
on
Tuesday, 29th March 2005 @ 10:37:44 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Right now i just really need to let things out. I just came home from a great day and i was feeling awesome. until i walked in my front door.
i am here now i hate me i love you and i am lonely. My heart is tearing apart what are these emotions and what good do they do me. I want to blow up my house i hate it i hate not my house but my life. i involve myself with activities to distract myself from my life and when i have nothing to do i see the filth and the insecurity and the stink and the fragile waste that is myself.
right now i just need someone that i can hold in my arms and tell all this to. but no matter what i think, that would not make everything better, it is only a distraction. And ***** that anyway the only people that would possibly do this in this whole anti-social world is the person that i am pushing away from myself. ***** it then. ***** it. why be lonely and want love when love is staring at the palm of your hand. why be so enthusiastic about life when whenever you are given the chance to realize life you hate everything about it.
and why write all this ***** down? because it is a distraction. and as soon as i am done my mad typing and ranting then i will be left to sit. and realize the dirt and the filth.
and now this is me i am hanging out i am chilling with you and you and you and you all stir up my emotions and i know that i cant be with you and i am fine with that but *****!!! being left cold with nothing is a hell of an alternative. so my heart goes flutter and i grow bitter because your fault does not exist and it’s all in my ***** up little small-minded head.
i am not strong. i am as petty and as brainwashed as the rest of them. i seek the same drugs and aversions as the rest of them. as the masses do, so do i and i am a small little pathetic insignificant child little sheep little ***** bag i am worthless. i will never amount to anything. i might as well just quit school and quit life and quit love and all this ***** cuz i am not big enough to handle it i am a ***** retard.
I walked into my house today. I sat down on my bed. I stared. I stared. and then i got up, and thought to myself, “I want a beer.” Lo and behold another distraction and i still grow fidgety cuz my life is waiting and i realized the other month that no matter what happens, i will still wake up in ten years, unless i DIE. in this tubed society i cannot restart this video game my actions have equal and opposite reactions and consequences i cannot pause or take a break tomorrow morning i will still wake up and have to smell the roses or the coffee or the ***** or whatever but what the ***** in ten, twenty years i will still have woken up every single morning and i just don’t think i can handle it. i am pathetic.
You see me as cheery. I am a very cheery man. I am a very cheery man who is going to rip his ***** head apart. I am a very jovial and jocular man who is so ***** close to screaming and crying and throwing ***** and cutting himself very razor deep and i am a very cheery man who wishes he was not so. because cheeriness is a distraction. and being cheery makes me feel good because i am a very cheery man but NO MATTER HOW ***** CHEERY I AM i will still have my worries and my fears and the ***** that just scares the ***** out of me. and it is such a juxtaposition that i wish i either wasn’t cheery or didn’t have problems. and i will always have problems, and i spent eight years depressed out of my ***** skull and i know that that is not the way to deal with life but ***** MAN, ***** BUDDY i don’t know what the ***** to do right about now, shoot me im at the end of my rope here i’ve been through it all and i know exactly what to ***** do but DAMMIT im ***** weak, and i cant ***** do it.
Hypocrite. That’s what they’d call me. Oh, I’ve been through it all and I’ve learned very much I’ve learned so much but when my balls are ***** pinched oh just watch me apply it to my *****, watch me eat my ***** words. what good is learning anything when you cant ***** apply what you’ve learned in the moment????
And after it all my breath is slow and i am still sitting in my room. and i am still shivering and blackness still outlines every organ in my body and darkness still oppresses me on all sides and crushes me from above. and it’s all i can do not to cry. and all i want to do is scream. because i am so alone. i am so very alone. And I’m sure that this will be very educational looking back on, and if you’ve read this far i hope you got touched by something raw cuz its all i’ve got right now. that and my quarter-full can of warm beer.
so happy *****in easter.
goodnight.
Copyright ©
SensitiveSoAbused
... [
2005-03-29 22:37:44]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: This is my Soul.
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Tuesday, 29th March 2005 @ 10:59:55 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
It's very sad but great venting. Now that u have it out I hope u feel better. we all have negative thoughts-n-feelings about our selves at times. To stay in the negative mode is the crime.
I know 'cause I use to be one of the most negative persons about myself on this planet. I take meds now that are really wonder drugs. they don't take the pain of life away they jus slow my brain down enuff that I can deal with the agony. Truly, I spend my time right here reading other writes and writing. It's my vice to sanity. I can always turn on my computor and read other people and that my friend makes my trivial agreivations very small.
I've learned that I have to get out of myself to find my own inner peace. Some where I learned that life is what I make it out to be.
Hang tuff, my friend as it's not always as bad as it seems.
huggs, luv, faith, hope, joy, peace, inner strength,
emy |
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Re: This is my Soul.
(User Rating: 1 )
by Vampirequeen on
Wednesday, 30th March 2005 @ 01:56:05 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
wow its such a sad and deep write.
Its good to vent and write it all down.
If you ever need to talk let me know.
good write. |
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Re: This is my Soul.
(User Rating: 1 )
by assassinatorgirl on
Sunday, 29th May 2005 @ 05:04:15 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
reminds me of a poem i wrote-one of the first three i posted on this site, except mine was more a conflict between my darker side and my good side.
I feel a lot like this too.
I was surprised to find you too write dark poems during holidays.
Great write :) |
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Re: This is my Soul.
(User Rating: 1 )
by FleurdeSang on
Saturday, 25th June 2005 @ 07:33:02 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
Oh, my darling friend.. my hurting and sorrowful friend... How I wish I could relieve this insufferable suffering that you have been given, this dreadful plague of self-hate and worthlessness that you do not deserve.... I wish I could do many things for many people, yet... I am only human, and cannot rid the tragedies of everyone's life... only try to aid them through it. And this I shall do... as long as you want me to help. Rawness you have promised, and rawness you have given... in the most distinctive and beautiful of ways... I can relate to this so much... I, too, have been portrayed as a cheery and loving girl, always with a smile and a warm welcoming... however, like all of us, we have our days... our weeks... our years... of depression and sorrow. We all wear our own mask of deception... a distraction... a reminder that we are dying inside, and cannot show it to the world nor the ones we love because we fear it will hurt them... So we keep it within ourselves, deep... so deep inside, where there are only webs and darkness... I feel your all-consuming pain and recklessness... I feel your searing rage and hatred... I feel everything... And because of this, I weep for you... a thousand seas of salty melancholy shedding from my eyes... If my arms could reach over the unbearably extensive distance that divides us, I would embrace you... and cry, and tell you that all will be well soon... Mon douce Lane... I'm so sorry for this... for these horrible things that give you pain and suffering... Always know that I am here for you. Always. When you need to release your rage and emotions, I will listen and try to the best of my abilities to guide you... I will be your light of hope, cheri. I send you endless hugs, kisses, smiles, and happiness your way... in hopes of making your days just a little bit brighter, :D. You are not alone, cheri... we may think that we are alone in this forsaken and corrupted world... but we are not. We feel alone, but there are others that are probably feeling the same emotion at the same time. Magnificent, breath-taking, and emotional. You have woven another masterpiece for my eyes to dance upon... every syllable is perfection. Merci beaucoup for sharing, douce Lane. I hope this helped you in some way... if not... well, you know where to find me. All my love. :-) Forever,
Your concerned friend/breathless fan,
~*Stephy*~ ***ETERNAL HUGS*** |
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Re: This is my Soul.
(User Rating: 1 )
by guiltycircles on
Thursday, 11th August 2005 @ 04:40:59 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| this is awesome...my god the emotion is so raw and it really grabs me...i know the anger and frustration and hate... |
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