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Array ( [sid] => 88741 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Wandering Star [time] => 2005-03-25 18:20:16 [hometext] => [bodytext] => The walls moan,
A single box of scattered bones,
I try to walk over to you
something stops me;
My feet won't move,
The moon slips out of rhythm,
We are caught, spinning, empty headed,
Take me back to bed, let's start again.

You make your choice,
I lose my way,
A loss of dignity;
The price to pay,
My foot slips on the ledge,
I fall but somehow I don't hit the ground
I'm standing up,
I'm looking down,

I see the city's lights
Amber, green, silver, white,
Glowing, hovering, flowing,
A perfect circle,
A straight curved line,
A distant heaven decieves my eyes.
The universe,
Glory.

[comments] => 4 [counter] => 198 [topic] => 64 [informant] => Urizen [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => ambiguous )

Wandering Star

Contributed by Urizen on Friday, 25th March 2005 @ 06:20:16 PM in AEST
Topic: ambiguous

The walls moan,
A single box of scattered bones,
I try to walk over to you
something stops me;
My feet won't move,
The moon slips out of rhythm,
We are caught, spinning, empty headed,
Take me back to bed, let's start again.

You make your choice,
I lose my way,
A loss of dignity;
The price to pay,
My foot slips on the ledge,
I fall but somehow I don't hit the ground
I'm standing up,
I'm looking down,

I see the city's lights
Amber, green, silver, white,
Glowing, hovering, flowing,
A perfect circle,
A straight curved line,
A distant heaven decieves my eyes.
The universe,
Glory.

Copyright © Urizen ... [ 2005-03-25 18:20:16]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Wandering Star (User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on Friday, 25th March 2005 @ 07:53:52 PM AEST
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Wow!
This is beautifull even tha a bit sad. It's a unique masterpeice.
luv, huggs, smiles,
emy

Re: Wandering Star (User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on Sunday, 27th March 2005 @ 02:29:19 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Some nice imagery here. It's a tad choppy, though I think that's intentional. It works well enough in the later stanzas, but in the first the flow seemed off.

Please don't think that I don't like the piece, I do. I hope you don't mind the feedback - I just couldn't help but thinking, that with a few changes, it could be even more, you know?

Keep writing,
~SNM~

Re: Wandering Star (User Rating: 1 )
by Angela on Wednesday, 27th July 2005 @ 01:18:05 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

a unique piece. i liked it.

Re: Wandering Star (User Rating: 1 )
by hardrocker15198916 on Thursday, 28th July 2005 @ 10:06:34 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

its good how you made the reader actually see itin thier head
Its really good
--> Rae and her friend.

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