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Array ( [sid] => 87087 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => my method [time] => 2005-03-10 18:02:18 [hometext] => [bodytext] => I've been waiting this whole time
I hid the sharp metal beneath the piles of headphones and CD's,
beneath the old garbage I got from the psychiatrist
I placed it in the bottom of the drawer,
telling myself that I would always rationalize my way out of cutting again by the time I got to it

I'm not waiting anymore
I find the blade and remember the calm of simply feeling it upon my palm
Put it in my back pocket so I can use it in the bathroom

I walk down the grim hallway only to find my sister in the bathroom
So I go downstairs to wait, again
Wait for my turn to be happy
Wait for my chance to be free
Wait for my hope of ever being loved
Wait for dreams that will never become real

No, "cutting doesn't help anything"
I know
But, cutting won't hurt me either
Because I'm already torn apart,
I'm already shattered, already broken
And I will never have what I want

If I had the slightest hope, or smallest belief that I had any chance of ever becoming anything,
then what you would tell me is true...
Cutting would only make things worse
But - I'm not like you
I'm not like anyone
I'm not free, not good, and I am incapable of ever being loved

There's nothing left to care about
So just let me cut
So that I can survive the pain
If you could feel like me, to feel that this is ALL I have,
then maybe you would understand

So just please, please
Please don't make me stop again
This is what I need

I'm no longer waiting -
to cut
to feel the pain
to see and taste the blood
to prove to myself that I am nothing

Because if I don't,
then I'll start trying again,
I'll start believing again
And I'll start expecting again

And god, that is so much worse
[comments] => 4 [counter] => 190 [topic] => 72 [informant] => vampyrekiss [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => self-harmpoetry )

my method

Contributed by vampyrekiss on Thursday, 10th March 2005 @ 06:02:18 PM in AEST
Topic: self-harmpoetry

I've been waiting this whole time
I hid the sharp metal beneath the piles of headphones and CD's,
beneath the old garbage I got from the psychiatrist
I placed it in the bottom of the drawer,
telling myself that I would always rationalize my way out of cutting again by the time I got to it

I'm not waiting anymore
I find the blade and remember the calm of simply feeling it upon my palm
Put it in my back pocket so I can use it in the bathroom

I walk down the grim hallway only to find my sister in the bathroom
So I go downstairs to wait, again
Wait for my turn to be happy
Wait for my chance to be free
Wait for my hope of ever being loved
Wait for dreams that will never become real

No, "cutting doesn't help anything"
I know
But, cutting won't hurt me either
Because I'm already torn apart,
I'm already shattered, already broken
And I will never have what I want

If I had the slightest hope, or smallest belief that I had any chance of ever becoming anything,
then what you would tell me is true...
Cutting would only make things worse
But - I'm not like you
I'm not like anyone
I'm not free, not good, and I am incapable of ever being loved

There's nothing left to care about
So just let me cut
So that I can survive the pain
If you could feel like me, to feel that this is ALL I have,
then maybe you would understand

So just please, please
Please don't make me stop again
This is what I need

I'm no longer waiting -
to cut
to feel the pain
to see and taste the blood
to prove to myself that I am nothing

Because if I don't,
then I'll start trying again,
I'll start believing again
And I'll start expecting again

And god, that is so much worse

Copyright © vampyrekiss ... [ 2005-03-10 18:02:18]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: my method (User Rating: 1 )
by Vampirequeen on Thursday, 10th March 2005 @ 07:05:13 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

sad so sad.if you ever need to talk let me know.
take care

Re: my method (User Rating: 1 )
by whispered_cries on Thursday, 10th March 2005 @ 07:23:19 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

very sad...but good
laura

Re: my method (User Rating: 1 )
by allforyou on Tuesday, 15th March 2005 @ 08:40:31 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Believe it or not I used to feel just as you do. Now I DO try, I DO believe, and I DO expect. At times it can feel so horrible, but most of the time it feels so great. Even GREATER than it feels to cut, but I do still understand how you feel. The need to cut to make it through the day. Hurting because no one can see what you're doing to yourself, it seems like no one cares. But there's always someone there who is also hurting, but because of what you do to yourself. Keep cutting if you must, but keep in mind who you might be hurting (besides yourself) along the way.

Looking Out,
Kara

Re: my method (User Rating: 1 )
by Maxximus on Monday, 9th May 2005 @ 06:47:16 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

We all have our ways of getting out or expressing what lies within. For me cutting serves no purpose but to you it a release from a pained existance you'd rather not see a certain side of. It's your drug, your fix, your thing- I know, I have mine and I know others who do the same as you. You have spoken with brutal honesty and I hope you find whatever it is you desire... regardless of how others may view your means. Respect, and if it means anything hang in there. You may not think it but there are those who feel as you do and empathy can go a long way in connecting lives. All the same, good write- food for thought and a different view.

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