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Array
(
[sid] => 85315
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Ex-Fear
[time] => 2005-02-22 16:49:29
[hometext] => yet another old one about my ex Jon.
[bodytext] => Yesterday I looked in the mirror Now I'm scarred for life I felt my skin slowly turn to stone And I heard screams. Today I realize that I am her The demon who has been laying on the edge of my knife I am my worst friend, here in my own home. Dragging MYSELF lower, not anyone else's dreams. And all this means nothing to me, I continue to let myself suffer. Addicted to the pain Addicted to self-despising I want so much to be wanted by everyone, a healer But I destroy people inside out as they lay and eat away their souls as their hearts are beating I am a monster A horrible thing A disguting creature I am not desired by anything If I try to fight back They make it ten times harder Because I won't please them and I need to please my masters A slave to the earth, I recieve no slack I do my best do serve but I never succeed. I'm just a failure I can do nothing right What reason do I have to fight? He told me he loved me What proof did I have? I wasn't sure how to trust again I wanted to believe him, so you see I put everything into him All my time All my love I sacrificed everything But I was not perfect He wanted me to change I agreed I would do anything he wanted Just to make him happy Just to make him smile He was everything to me But I wondered if he loved me, then why was he not pleased with how I was? I pushed away any doubt Because I loved him so I would let him sprout And give him all my happiness But then I found he was still not pleased. I needed to change completely! Maybe he just loved Having his own little doll. But that did not stop me, Never! I said, and I continued to follow wherever he led Love is my master, He is my love Therefore I am a slave to him first, now and the world is second. His Christianity didn't like his new playtoy, and he was so addicted that he let me convince him that he could have both. Because it was the truth If God really forgives Shouldn't God promote love? I said and he agreed, but has yet to see Christianity is full of hypocrisy He loves me because I am honest, he says. I don't know what to do. I've lied to myself countless times So then did I lie by not telling him? I needed his love I would have fallen deeper into this depression I kept quiet I wanted to be perfect for him I would have done anything to keep him But he wants me to be happy with myself. But I hate myself, and I don't know how to love me after so much hate. Sometimes I do, but other times I just look in the mirror And I want to scream I'm just a disgusting Hideous beast. In the end he was scared of me I was so close to perfection A robot striving to be better And it disturbed him So he ran Disgusted, afraid Full of fear he drowned out the guilt, Claiming I was too young. Why didn't it matter before? I knew it had to be the fear In the end that's what drives everyone away. They fear a different way of thinking. [comments] => 1 [counter] => 182 [topic] => 64 [informant] => assassinatorgirl [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => ambiguous )
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