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Array ( [sid] => 84268 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Thinking Back [time] => 2005-02-13 17:05:10 [hometext] => [bodytext] => I lay in bed all alone,
Listening to the wind.
I can not figure you out,
I still can't get you pinned.

I try to talk to you,
but the smoke is quickly rising.
and you are way too busy,
to hear of my demising.

As I take my razor,
glistening in the light.
I think of all the pain,
that I experienced that night.

I think of what I could've done,
what I could've said.
I should've kicked or screamed,
To get it in his head.

I didn't want that kind of help,
How could he have misunderstood.
And now everything is over with,
I feel dirty, I think I should.

Everything has gone downhill,
My sanity is now only so-so.
I take the razor to my wrist,
and worry that my scars will show. [comments] => 4 [counter] => 223 [topic] => 32 [informant] => allforyou [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => SadPoetry )

Thinking Back

Contributed by allforyou on Sunday, 13th February 2005 @ 05:05:10 PM in AEST
Topic: SadPoetry

I lay in bed all alone,
Listening to the wind.
I can not figure you out,
I still can't get you pinned.

I try to talk to you,
but the smoke is quickly rising.
and you are way too busy,
to hear of my demising.

As I take my razor,
glistening in the light.
I think of all the pain,
that I experienced that night.

I think of what I could've done,
what I could've said.
I should've kicked or screamed,
To get it in his head.

I didn't want that kind of help,
How could he have misunderstood.
And now everything is over with,
I feel dirty, I think I should.

Everything has gone downhill,
My sanity is now only so-so.
I take the razor to my wrist,
and worry that my scars will show.

Copyright © allforyou ... [ 2005-02-13 17:05:10]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Thinking Back (User Rating: 1 )
by unluckicharmz on Sunday, 13th February 2005 @ 05:12:21 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

i really like this. check out some of my poems

Re: Thinking Back (User Rating: 1 )
by thecutter on Sunday, 13th February 2005 @ 05:18:37 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

heartfelt poem. i feel for u as i sit here in my room.

Re: Thinking Back (User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on Sunday, 13th February 2005 @ 05:24:55 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

This is good. The flow is really good, and I can really tell how you feel, you threw your emotions into it.
Great write,
I hope you feel better soon,
*hugs* Phil xxx

Re: Thinking Back (User Rating: 1 )
by zenmind on Tuesday, 15th February 2005 @ 05:45:14 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

There were two parts that I liked a lot in this poem.

1)And now everything is over with,
I feel dirty, I think I should.

2)I take the razor to my wrist,
and worry that my scars will show.

I think both of these lines, actually expressed more than you said. I think a good poet can "show" the reader the emotions that they are experiencing, rather than just saying it. True, you could say, "I am sad" but the emotion would be better expressed in my opinion, if you show it through an image of something else, like knealing over you mother's grave, as an example. When we can "show" the emotion, rather than "say" it, I think we express something that is actually beyond words, which resonates within us, understood and heart felt.

On the first line that I highlighted, I particuarly noticed the "I feel dirty, I think I should" part. It's as if, you are not quite sure how you feel. There is a lot of confusion, and you are left alone with it. Also, maybe there is nothing to be ashamed of, but a lot of times, we think that we should be. Rape victims often feel ashamed and responsible for what happend to them, when it is not their fault at all. I'm not saying that your situation is similar to a rape victims situation, but that's the first thing that came to my mind.

On the second one, I think that when you said, "and worry that my scars will show" shows a lot of depth into your experience of cutting yourself, why you do it, and how you feel afterwards. I imagined a detailed description of you, maybe while you're at school, around other people, and your feeling self conscious, hiding your scars under you sleeve, wondering if anyone knows.

This is what I mean, when I talk about the difference between "showing" and just "telling". Showing is always more effective and real.

Be True,
zenmind

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