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The Pause
Contributed by
wray
on
Wednesday, 22nd December 2004 @ 07:21:34 AM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
Royal night of a raven’s eye: I was
< caught in a dream
by the breath of the wind ~ it summoned
me/crowded me/pushed me
aside—I broke
into run
to follow its sigh—broke
not a sweat for its
kiss was dry—
breaking—bellowing—traffic
amidst || traffic, bothering;
brightening eye . . .
—a glimpse to the left and I stumbled to
halt.
It rushed right on past me,
keening its cry >>
—calling me—laughingly—distant—gone.
Flashes of life
/they passed me by.
Stood on the footpath.
Gazed at the stillness,
Gaped at the silence;
Wondering why.
Copyright ©
wray
... [
2004-12-22 07:21:34]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: The Pause
(User Rating: 1 )
by Butterat_Zool on
Sunday, 9th January 2005 @ 10:13:14 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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| Intriguing... the various punctuations make it look almost mechanic, like a computer making very human-like speech, though i know that's not at all what you were going for here. I like the presentation of the action... the buildup and then the jump straight to having been passed up by life... also, a word of advice... cut out the words "royal night...eye:" and just start with "i was caught in a dream"... i like the way that introduction sounds, but this is not its poem and i have full faith and confidence you can find a better use of a strong line like that... three good writes, love... keep them coming. Butterat Zool. |
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