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Array ( [sid] => 76599 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Drowning, She Danced Along [time] => 2004-12-20 14:50:32 [hometext] => I'll let this one speak for itself. Honest feedback please! [bodytext] => Silence.
Darkness.
She turned the knob.
The volume slowly rose.
Anxious.
Eager.
She stepped away.
With anticipation, she froze.
Then suddenly, a song spilled out,
The speakers burst with sound.
It flooded the floor around her,
And swelled as it swirled around.
Like some euphoric liquid,
The song kept pouring out.
In waves, it crashed upon her,
And it tumbled her about.
Her knees, so soon, were swallowed,
By the song's relentless tide,
The levels rose so quickly,
No time to flee and hide.
Her room was quickly flooding,
With music, thick and strong.
It surged up past her shoulders,
And drowning, she danced along.
Her space to breathe was waning,
As the piece's climax play,
In wonderful submission,
The song swept her away.

[comments] => 1 [counter] => 151 [topic] => 25 [informant] => blueyes11 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 4 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => MiscPoems )

Drowning, She Danced Along

Contributed by blueyes11 on Monday, 20th December 2004 @ 02:50:32 PM in AEST
Topic: MiscPoems

Silence.
Darkness.
She turned the knob.
The volume slowly rose.
Anxious.
Eager.
She stepped away.
With anticipation, she froze.
Then suddenly, a song spilled out,
The speakers burst with sound.
It flooded the floor around her,
And swelled as it swirled around.
Like some euphoric liquid,
The song kept pouring out.
In waves, it crashed upon her,
And it tumbled her about.
Her knees, so soon, were swallowed,
By the song's relentless tide,
The levels rose so quickly,
No time to flee and hide.
Her room was quickly flooding,
With music, thick and strong.
It surged up past her shoulders,
And drowning, she danced along.
Her space to breathe was waning,
As the piece's climax play,
In wonderful submission,
The song swept her away.

Copyright © blueyes11 ... [ 2004-12-20 14:50:32]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Drowning, She Danced Along (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Tuesday, 21st December 2004 @ 02:53:21 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

"By the song's relentless tide,
The levels rose so quickly, "

By using 'levels', you are repeating the word 'tide', and I like this. However, the following line is weak in comparison.

"No time to flee and hide."

You could have alluded to some of her feelings 'inside', to give us more of an impression into her state of mind. Also,

"Her space to breathe was waning,
As the piece's climax play, "

doesn't sound fluid enough for me. 'Waning' isn't really correlative to suffocation, or a lack of air, and you've forced the rhyme ungrammatically, with a corresponding repeat on 'away' (see line 7).

I'd write;

"Her breathing space contracted,
And music's climax sundered,
In wonderful submission,
She let it drag her under . . ."

Not exactly good, but I think its an improvement.

Yours, Honestly

N_F

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