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Array
(
[sid] => 7259
[catid] => 1
[aid] => Mick
[title] => Farmyard Tales: Bill & Slobo Slog It Out.
[time] => 2002-11-22 12:45:00
[hometext] => This is old now... but is it? I think we're about to see a little piece of s**tstory repeated...
[bodytext] => There was once a man called Slobodangerous Meisasonuva*****, who lived in a land called Yugotohell, sometimes also known as Sorebeyou! In a far larger land called Allmoneyhere lived Slobo's enemy Dollabill Killtown.
They hated each other with such a great hatred that eventually the Moneycons (as they were called) started to blow up bits of Koursweare where the Yugotohell/Sorebeyou! soldiers were and even blew up bits of Sorebeyou! itself. Mainly near the capital Lograde (sonsuv*****). Dollabill was no angel himself however - he had been dallying with a lady called Moniker and cheating on his wife Hilarious. Secretly Dolla was very relieved to get public attention off of him and onto someone (anyone) else. Also, pointing the finger at a really bad man made his naughty behaviour seem all the more trivial and made him appear strong and presidential. Now old Slobodangerous was a bully and all bullies present a problem. How do you make him into a nice, pleasant co-operative fellow? How can it be done? The harder you hit that thick skull the more mad and stupid and obstinate he gets! Meanwhile, using a bully's tactics to beat a bully makes you look dangerously like a bully yourself. So, Dolla hid under an umbrella organisation called NAZO who took a great black stick and beat Slobo with it hoping he would start to smile and be nice to everyone. They began to smash him with Crush missiles and BDead bombers and all the nasty smashing and obliterating things they could find to throw at him from a distance. This distance was important as they were not to get their nice white hats dirty under any circumstances. They knew that in this battle appearances were everything. Public revulsion (PR) must be avoided at all costs. You see they had a large flock of very nervous sheep to tend and they were very concerned that these sheep would take fright if they smelt or saw even the tiniest amount of blood. So the chiefs of NAZO showed the sheep as few graphic details as possible. They showed everything at long range - blasted bone, punctured ears and eyeballs and spilled guts were certainly not to be shown. They only told how heroic, dignified and accurate their men were in doing the smashing and pulverising. You must imagine how pure and white and full of lofty purpose these men were. These men had motives of purest, whitest snow. And as they smashed and exploded and crushed all Slobo's men they maintained only the highest and purest of thoughts. This was very important. Farmyard Life - Hit the Dirt Slobo! Slobodangerous had been a Conumister in the old days and he was only used to acting in one way and in one way only - like an old and very obstinate bull. And like an old and obstinate bull he knew that if he was strong enough and dangerous enough he needn't fear anyone. And that if he challenged anyone who stood against him head-on and broke their legs with his powerful horns, then he would always win in the end. Besides, he did have a very crafty portion in his very solid head. This part gave him great facility with his big leathery tongue and he knew exactly how to control all the other animals in the farmyard with it. He knew that if he filled them with dreams of a bigger and more wonderful farm where they could be happy forever then all the animals would follow him. He also knew that the animals must be made very proud of themselves and believe that they were the very best animals in the world who deserved a future just as glorious as their past. Now Koursweare was the location of the very first farm in the stories that Slobo told. And they all shouted and screamed when they were told that the animals there wanted to control their own food and water and everything else. This couldn't be! So Slobo said "Don't worry. I'll make sure this never happens". And he proceeded to be as big and as bull-headed as possible and he sent the biggest, most thick-headed and violent bulls to teach these lesser animals a lesson they would never forget. So, seeing all this, Dolla was not happy. He said "Look at this! We can't tolerate this!" "Here in Allmerryhere" we are all the nicest possible people in the world. We look after all our dumb animals and they have such good sanitary conditions in our superclean, mechanically efficient farms. They get fed and watered regularly and everything is so nice and lovely here. We must pulverise this sonofa*****! (er, Meisasonuva*****!)". So it happened that the nice clean white pigs of Allmoneyhere went to poke the eyes out of the nasty dirty black bulls of Sorebeyou! And when it is all over the nice clean little information sheets on the barn door will tell the story of how everything the winner did was noble and good and very very necessary. And up in the sky Dollabill knew, sat the great Farmer. And Dolla smiled in happy satisfaction as he visualised that lovely face and immaculate body - so clean, so pure and with such a lovely curly wurly tail. Everything was right in the farmyard once more. There was harmony and peace and the sheep grazed in perfect stupid tranquility - now completely untroubled by any thoughts at all.... Far away in Sorebeyou! the new smiling Slobofine Melostabit shook hands all round and said all the right words to all the right people and his farmyard went back to normal too. In Kourseweare the people didn't smile as they looked around at all their ruined farmhouses, broken sewers and fatherless children. A riddle was travelling among the people. Sitting at a bare table in their roofless farmhouse a boy asked it of his father: "After all of this - what is really worse - a schweinhund with a Crush missile up its snout or a stream of bull***** pouring endlessly from heaven?" Father: "Same difference son, s-a-m-e difference." -ö- (Disgorged on the second day of the Nato bombing of Yugoslavia.) [comments] => 6 [counter] => 196 [topic] => 43 [informant] => Steeleyes [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 10 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => oops )
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