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Array
(
[sid] => 71659
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Cry
[time] => 2004-11-15 20:18:05
[hometext] => I wrote this when I was hysterical. I just typed everything that came to my head. Also dedicated to my mom... RIP <33
[bodytext] => There hasn't been a day where I haven't cried... Cried my heart out for you, wishing you'd come back. My eyes won't seem to stop the tears, my eyes won't stop thinking they'll see you again.... My heart won't stop wishing for her, wishing she was here again, wishing to be with her... I can't stop this, I can't stop my feelings, I can't stop these tears from seeping out, from escaping.... You don't know what I'm going through, you think I'm crazy, you think these tears are overdone.... You don't get why I'm so sad, even though you know the reason, you still don't understand. I try telling you, I try telling you the real problem, the source of my depression, you wave it away... I don't have everything you say I do, I don't have the perfect life you think I do. There are dark sides to every bright life, there are dark, gloomy sides to every bright, happy life... And right now, I'm on that dark side. Will there be anything to pull me awa? Who knows, especially me, especially you... you just don't understand where these tears are coming from. I know I'm scaring you, being totally out of character, but it's so hard for me to care. It's so hard for me to care about life, my future, everything. You think I'm throwing my life away, I... I don't know what to think. Everything seems surreal, nothing is happening to me, this is all a dream... I wake up, reality slaps me across the face, she's dead, she's gone. Buried away, yet her prescence remains... it's like torture, torture for me. I can't help but cry all the time for her, I can't help but be sad. I used to think suicidal people were crazy, weird for their lists for not killing themselves... but now... I'm one of them. My list? It's withering down... soon to be nothing, soon to be empty. Like my life. Friends used to be the top priority, the thing that kept me wanting to breathe... but now, friends are nothing. Nothing that's real. I have truly nobody to support me, that actually knows about my list, nobody that wonders what my life is like, what I'm going through. Do they actually wonder about my pain? Do they actually wonder... or they all so selfish, just worrying about their materialistic views? Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if one of your parents was gone? No you haven't.... and that's what's painful to me. You see what I'm going through, yet you haven't learned anything. You carry on with your life, like its just going to keep on plodding along forever. When was the last time you told me you cared? When you told me you'd be here for me? Never... If you did, I never believed it. Why don't you care? Why don't you care about anything besides yourself, besides your image? Are you waiting to go through this yourself, when it's too late? Are you waiting to endure this pain, this loss when you could be enjoying the time you had left? Why won't you try to understand? Don't you feel the frustration reverberating off of me? Can't you see it in my eyes? Look at me, look me in the eye, stop avoiding me. Take it from me... be thankful for what you have, maybe you'll cry less if you are. If you're thankful, if you know what you have. I don't have the perfect life anymore, I don't have that life that you still think I have, the life that you think I want. I would give anything to have it back, but I'm starting to think that it's not worth it. It'll never be the same, never be back to par... my priorities? Where are they? I have none. My future is no longer on that list, gone away so far, might as well be buried six feet under. Who cares about how I end up? Not me anymore... I'm so tired, don't you understand? I'm so tired of this all, why won't you get it? Why won't you try to see? This isn't a joke, this is real. I'm not trying to be funny, I'm trying to let you know how I feel. I'm silently begging for somebody to care, silently begging for someone to wonder how I am, to wonder what I'm going through..... Someone told me to be happy and positive about this... think on the bright side. How can I be positive? I thought positively when my mom started getting sick... Look where that led me to... she's gone, an irrevocable curse placed upon her soul. I cry, cry every single day, these salty tears pouring across my cheeks. Won't they ever stop? Won't this pain ever go away? Why doesn't anybody care... why doesn't anybody ever wonder why? My list... it's withering away to a baren nothing.... You say that this makes people uncomfortable, they don't know what to say. Say anything for all I care, just make it evident that you hurt for me. I'm so selfish, why am I alive? How am I helping this world... Oh God, I think about how important she was, how needed she was.... and then I see myself, withering away into nothingness, my existance being slowly erased.... Painful nothingness. Not a thing in this world that truly matters.... Won't this depression ever lift? I'm aware of my total sadness, yet there is nothing I can do. I am no longer in control.... Hear me out, I am no longer in control. Withering away.... and I cry... to a baren nothing... every day.... A silent wish.... A silent wish.... won't you answer? [comments] => 4 [counter] => 186 [topic] => 39 [informant] => cocacola1331 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => Grief )
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