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Array ( [sid] => 71432 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => for this is the end [time] => 2004-11-14 12:01:41 [hometext] => please comment on this i need feedback [bodytext] => so long of a tattered life i have spent in this self involved glory,
with each and every story,and every word i doth spill,
something shrieks inside my will,nothing can fill,
this void that i deal.

guarded by my soul,im spinning out of controll,
slashing what is left of this empty shell i cling,
wanting a warm moment to sing,yet i regret nothing.

killing time is over ,here i stand still gouging at my eyes,
laughing at my demise,heed these cries i spend,
for this is the end.

somewhere blue in the cold midnight of a soul in pain,
this depression happens again,
to tremble in my wake,for someone to forsake,noted a mistake in life,
screw them all grab the knife. [comments] => 2 [counter] => 175 [topic] => 21 [informant] => blackholesun [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 0 [associated] => [topicname] => Lifepoems )

for this is the end

Contributed by blackholesun on Sunday, 14th November 2004 @ 12:01:41 PM in AEST
Topic: Lifepoems

so long of a tattered life i have spent in this self involved glory,
with each and every story,and every word i doth spill,
something shrieks inside my will,nothing can fill,
this void that i deal.

guarded by my soul,im spinning out of controll,
slashing what is left of this empty shell i cling,
wanting a warm moment to sing,yet i regret nothing.

killing time is over ,here i stand still gouging at my eyes,
laughing at my demise,heed these cries i spend,
for this is the end.

somewhere blue in the cold midnight of a soul in pain,
this depression happens again,
to tremble in my wake,for someone to forsake,noted a mistake in life,
screw them all grab the knife.

Copyright © blackholesun ... [ 2004-11-14 12:01:41]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: for this is the end (User Rating: 1 )
by pixie on Sunday, 14th November 2004 @ 12:03:46 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

emotional and sad write,

takecare,
pixie xx

Re: for this is the end (User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on Sunday, 14th November 2004 @ 12:22:50 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

ok, the syntax is awkward and you should strive for more word economy.
Take the first sentence for instance:

so long of a tattered life i have spent in this self involved glory,

This could be pared to :

A tattered life in self involved glory

2nd line:

with each and every story,and every word i doth spill,

revised:

Each tale and every word I speak

3rd line:

something shrieks inside my will,nothing can fill, this void that i deal.

revised:

Shrieks inside a void I cannot fill

******************

Revised 1st stanza:

A tattered life in self-involved glory
Each tale and every word I speak
Shrieks inside a void I cannot fill
And a desperation I did not seek

Now do that with the rest of it and you may just have a poem.

Stoney

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