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Array ( [sid] => 71060 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => I can count on you [time] => 2004-11-11 11:07:50 [hometext] => I struggleed with this one over the last week, I would really love some suggestions and comments. Thanks!!! [bodytext] => Glowing eyes like fireflys peirce me through the night
I once knew to trust but here with you the feeling is more than right
a deciever be yet you come to me with warnings from the grave
hello may friend we meet again I am your eternal slave
in a land of sinners it is a riddle why you have chosen me
but I argue not, for you are here strictly on business to be
taking your hand i begin to understand what I have wrongfully done
a morbid twist has brought me this and I can nowhere run
A pact was sealed, made a deal, forever my soul to keep
So now you've risen with the discision to take me to the deep
I feel no fear for you are here as you have always been
lurking, waiting, anticipating when it will be my end
time to appear whispering in my ear "dear I am your one true friend"
Oh it is true, I can forever count on you, pain and misery
Not ever a time were you not mine or did you turn your back on me.
[comments] => 5 [counter] => 171 [topic] => 13 [informant] => Rxqueen [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )

I can count on you

Contributed by Rxqueen on Thursday, 11th November 2004 @ 11:07:50 AM in AEST
Topic: DarkPoetry

Glowing eyes like fireflys peirce me through the night
I once knew to trust but here with you the feeling is more than right
a deciever be yet you come to me with warnings from the grave
hello may friend we meet again I am your eternal slave
in a land of sinners it is a riddle why you have chosen me
but I argue not, for you are here strictly on business to be
taking your hand i begin to understand what I have wrongfully done
a morbid twist has brought me this and I can nowhere run
A pact was sealed, made a deal, forever my soul to keep
So now you've risen with the discision to take me to the deep
I feel no fear for you are here as you have always been
lurking, waiting, anticipating when it will be my end
time to appear whispering in my ear "dear I am your one true friend"
Oh it is true, I can forever count on you, pain and misery
Not ever a time were you not mine or did you turn your back on me.

Copyright © Rxqueen ... [ 2004-11-11 11:07:50]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: I can count on you (User Rating: 1 )
by pixie on Thursday, 11th November 2004 @ 11:12:30 AM AEST
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deep and dark, and very well written,

pixie xx

Re: I can count on you (User Rating: 1 )
by Kie on Thursday, 11th November 2004 @ 11:21:34 AM AEST
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I love the way you write but I wish it was in stanzas and not like a paragraph form. You write beautifully but for me (I'm old) it would be easier to read like this---

Glowing eyes like firefly's
Pierce me thru the night
Trust I knew, but here with you
The feelings more than right

I dunno, take what I said with a grain of salt because I really loved the overall piece and you do write beautifully.

Kie

Re: I can count on you (User Rating: 1 )
by Stitch on Thursday, 11th November 2004 @ 11:27:02 AM AEST
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I couldn't read this without working on the details of spelling, etc. I didn't deal with the caps, but that can wait. I'm an editor and sometimes I just can't help myself. What you have here is heartfelt and with enough mystery to keep your reader fascinated. Your descriptions are excellent, and you come to
a worthwhile conclusion. Focus a bit more on your grammar, punc, and spelling, and your stuff will polish up real nice.
Stitch

Glowing eyes like fireflies pierce me through the night
I once knew to trust, but here with you the feeling is more than right
a deciever be, yet you come to me with warnings from the grave
hello my friend, we meet again
I am your eternal slave
in a land of sinners, it is a riddle why you have chosen me,
but I argue not, for you are here strictly on business to be
taking your hand I begin to understand what I have wrongfully done
a morbid twist has brought me this and I can nowhere run
A pact was sealed, made a deal, forever my soul to keep
So now you've risen with the decision to take me to the deep
I feel no fear for you are here as you have always been
lurking, waiting, anticipating when it will be my end
time to appear whispering in my ear "Dear I am your one true friend"
Oh it is true, I can forever count on you---pain and misery
Not ever a time were you not mine or did you turn your back on me

Re: I can count on you (User Rating: 1 )
by sweetangeluk on Thursday, 11th November 2004 @ 11:58:15 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Terrific poem deep and had a spiritual feel to it

Love Sweetangelukxxx

Re: I can count on you (User Rating: 1 )
by blowfish_jane on Thursday, 11th November 2004 @ 12:49:23 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Jocelyn wow was this deep, i really love this.

Hugs,
Jane

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