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Array ( [sid] => 68129 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Beauty [time] => 2004-10-19 21:04:39 [hometext] => plz read and comment [bodytext] => Inconspicuous Intensity
Beyond you beauty
Of frequency
All words kept
Simultaneously inept
As no word to speak of this
With such beauty
Kept inside
This totem of time
And space
What an inconspicuous place
Where life is flipped
And you are seen
As if more suns than
Stars in the sky
Shined on you
With complete
Inconspicuous intensity
And there is nothing
Beyond your beauty
[comments] => 1 [counter] => 209 [topic] => 2 [informant] => marsh62287 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => LovePoetry )

Beauty

Contributed by marsh62287 on Tuesday, 19th October 2004 @ 09:04:39 PM in AEST
Topic: LovePoetry

Inconspicuous Intensity
Beyond you beauty
Of frequency
All words kept
Simultaneously inept
As no word to speak of this
With such beauty
Kept inside
This totem of time
And space
What an inconspicuous place
Where life is flipped
And you are seen
As if more suns than
Stars in the sky
Shined on you
With complete
Inconspicuous intensity
And there is nothing
Beyond your beauty

Copyright © marsh62287 ... [ 2004-10-19 21:04:39]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Beauty (User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on Wednesday, 20th October 2004 @ 06:21:21 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I must have read this fifteen times trying to parse out what it
is you're trying to say and I can't make head nor tail of it.

Now, I'm sure you'll get your share of people who will blow
smoke up your butt and tell you how great it is and to keep writing.
Discard the plaudits and take the advice to keep writing because
it's only through practice that each of us can improve.

You might try just starting out with a simple statement, "I think
she's beautiful." Then proceed to make your case.

Your attempt at metaphor needs work:

"And you are seen
As if more suns than
Stars in the sky
Shined on you
With complete
Inconspicuous intensity"

A metaphor has to be teased into existance, and you haven't
teased this one enough.

I get a sense of what you're trying to convey, but the word choices
seem poor. For example, "inconspicuous intensity" where you have
one word which denotes more of a hidden quality, juxtapositioned
with a word which suggests a focusing of attention. I get the feeling
that it's intentional, but I'm wondering if the mixing of these two themes
works.

This part I can't glean any meaning from.

"Beyond you beauty
Of frequency"

You've selected an abstract concept to write about; beauty.

Therefore, I suggest you try to convey how beauty has an effect
on the beholder. How does it make the beholder feel?

This would be a good basis for a poem.

Regrds,

Stoney

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