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Array ( [sid] => 67502 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Thoughts of a waking puppet [time] => 2004-10-15 01:30:49 [hometext] => My first poem in a long while. Quite a bit of it seems forced, i guess im too strict with rhythm and rhyme. Not sure the breaks work, and i couldnt think of a title that doesnt sound stupid... Oh well, what do you make of it? [bodytext] => You pull the strings,
You mould the clay,
You rearrange us day by day.
Are they so blind?
Are you unseen?
Your secret's safe, from all but me.

We are but puppets
In your show -
You move us on towards your goal.
Slowly, surely,
You have your way,
They blindly follow all you say.

But I can see
All that you do
And I refuse to bow to you.
Is this the cause?
Can you not stand
A man who stands and will not crawl?

You may have pinned
Me to the floor,
But I walk freely out the door.
No place for me
(I see that now)
In this twisted mess we used to be [comments] => 5 [counter] => 530 [topic] => 16 [informant] => gt [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 10 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 0 [associated] => [topicname] => FriendshipPoetry )

Thoughts of a waking puppet

Contributed by gt on Friday, 15th October 2004 @ 01:30:49 AM in AEST
Topic: FriendshipPoetry

You pull the strings,
You mould the clay,
You rearrange us day by day.
Are they so blind?
Are you unseen?
Your secret's safe, from all but me.

We are but puppets
In your show -
You move us on towards your goal.
Slowly, surely,
You have your way,
They blindly follow all you say.

But I can see
All that you do
And I refuse to bow to you.
Is this the cause?
Can you not stand
A man who stands and will not crawl?

You may have pinned
Me to the floor,
But I walk freely out the door.
No place for me
(I see that now)
In this twisted mess we used to be

Copyright © gt ... [ 2004-10-15 01:30:49]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Thoughts of a waking puppet (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Friday, 15th October 2004 @ 07:21:09 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Hmn. First off - don't tell everyone you think your poem sounds stupid and forced, just let them make up their own mind.

If i'd not read the category first, I'd assume this was political, but its friendship...

I like the ending. I see you being physically pinned to the floor by a foot, but having the recognition that this 'cool' bully can't control your free will.

The rhymes are a bit basic (me/be), and aren't in parts, assonantly/consonantly (crawl/cause) consistent with the rest of the piece, but the message makes up for it, as it is pleasantly obvious to me what you are attempting to portray, and helps in that I've been in a smilar position myself.

Keep writing.

Re: Thoughts of a waking puppet (User Rating: 1 )
by gt on Friday, 15th October 2004 @ 02:39:51 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

the break in rhyme scheme with cause, crawl was intentional, to me it emphasised a change in the poems direction. Like the last 3 lines, where the rhyme is ABA rather than ABB.

Thanks for commenting.

(btw, the pinning 2 the floor was also metaphorical)

Re: Thoughts of a waking puppet (User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on Saturday, 23rd October 2004 @ 05:41:03 PM AEST
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beautiful poem, great style and flow, hugs n' love nessa

@->>->:-

Re: Thoughts of a waking puppet (User Rating: 1 )
by theMoth on Tuesday, 2nd November 2004 @ 03:58:09 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I like the subject and
meaning of this poem.

Basic rhymes
are no injustice to a poem.
Some people get really
wordy and ridiculous.
It's just poetry.

And I like it.

--Mothy

Re: Thoughts of a waking puppet (User Rating: 1 )
by cocacola1331 on Friday, 12th November 2004 @ 09:30:08 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I like the poem, I liked the type of symbolism that you etched in. I think it added a nice touch. The rhyming was nice, flowed smoothly...

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