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Array ( [sid] => 64126 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => I Drown [time] => 2004-09-17 17:23:10 [hometext] => Please leave feedback, it means a lot. [bodytext] => A rising tide deeper and deeper
Rising to my knees and my neck
Over my head I can not swim
I stand I float I sink I drown
Last I saw wasn't your face I'm alone
Las I saw was the dard blue I lived in
This beautiful transparent dark blue
It was all around me Trying to breath
I wanted to stay there forever
But death took me along with the current
I flowed it seemed forever waiting
I washed on a new shore a new life
Another I can mess up others in
Another I can fail and fail agian in
Another I'll drown in because I do
I am the one I am the only
To be happy say away to be safe [comments] => 2 [counter] => 152 [topic] => 13 [informant] => Elayner27 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )

I Drown

Contributed by Elayner27 on Friday, 17th September 2004 @ 05:23:10 PM in AEST
Topic: DarkPoetry

A rising tide deeper and deeper
Rising to my knees and my neck
Over my head I can not swim
I stand I float I sink I drown
Last I saw wasn't your face I'm alone
Las I saw was the dard blue I lived in
This beautiful transparent dark blue
It was all around me Trying to breath
I wanted to stay there forever
But death took me along with the current
I flowed it seemed forever waiting
I washed on a new shore a new life
Another I can mess up others in
Another I can fail and fail agian in
Another I'll drown in because I do
I am the one I am the only
To be happy say away to be safe

Copyright © Elayner27 ... [ 2004-09-17 17:23:10]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: I Drown (User Rating: 1 )
by emospaztic on Friday, 17th September 2004 @ 05:30:41 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

While this is a cliched topic, you managed to write it well, so try to change the title. Otherwise, great job!

-emo.

Re: I Drown (User Rating: 1 )
by MomentInTime on Friday, 17th September 2004 @ 07:22:14 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

This one doesn't flow as well as did your other two. This I say whilst realizing that you may have planned it this way :o)

My style is to leave metaphors (or cliches) well alone as much as possible, then again, I am no "poetry expert", so each to their own.

Jordan oxo

PS.. check out some of my writings to see what I mean, and btw, this is not self-promotion :o))

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