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Array ( [sid] => 61865 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Cold Waters [time] => 2004-08-30 01:59:09 [hometext] => if you review this, i will review one of yours...i desperately need critiques [bodytext] => waters! the cold waters!
dark with foam so divine,
rush up to greet the bay,
and account for their past.

pleading stories whispered
of their ill fortuned times,
bitter remembrance of
themselves in their prime.

the sand cast as Gabriel
harbinger of justice,
calls them from the sea and
he gives them their justice.

lovers and sinners alike;
each has a tale their own. [comments] => 5 [counter] => 180 [topic] => 13 [informant] => Gabriel [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 9 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )

Cold Waters

Contributed by Gabriel on Monday, 30th August 2004 @ 01:59:09 AM in AEST
Topic: DarkPoetry

waters! the cold waters!
dark with foam so divine,
rush up to greet the bay,
and account for their past.

pleading stories whispered
of their ill fortuned times,
bitter remembrance of
themselves in their prime.

the sand cast as Gabriel
harbinger of justice,
calls them from the sea and
he gives them their justice.

lovers and sinners alike;
each has a tale their own.

Copyright © Gabriel ... [ 2004-08-30 01:59:09]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Cold Waters (User Rating: 1 )
by deathdrop on Monday, 30th August 2004 @ 04:37:19 AM AEST
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this is very good work.
it has good little phases.
i wanted to read on alittle more when it finished, but the last 2 sentances really finished it well.

Re: Cold Waters (User Rating: 1 )
by cj_ranson on Monday, 30th August 2004 @ 06:05:33 AM AEST
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that was reel good
keep it up

Cj

Re: Cold Waters (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Monday, 30th August 2004 @ 07:36:34 AM AEST
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now this I truly adore. you have captavaited me indefinetly with this one poem.

Re: Cold Waters (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Monday, 30th August 2004 @ 07:36:35 AM AEST
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now this I truly adore. you have captavaited me indefinetly with this one poem.

Re: Cold Waters (User Rating: 1 )
by Nazmythian on Monday, 30th August 2004 @ 03:48:15 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I like this ... I think perhaps the only suggestion I could make, is the fourth line of the third stanza. "he gives them their justice", you have avoided repetition thus far, why not continue. A suggestion ... perhaps try something like ... delivers their sentence ... just a thought, but I am certainly NO authority of any kind, so treat my words with little regard.

Nazmythian ~

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