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Array
(
[sid] => 60798
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Shadow
[time] => 2004-08-20 09:15:44
[hometext] => I'm still not sure how much I like this one, particularly the end. Constructive criticism would be appreciated.
[bodytext] => I lay my head upon the ground
Not moving, I watch the world go by
And I feel it breathe
And I see its shadow
I hate this but I need it more
You're blind to what you used to love
And there's more to life
Than what gets you by
Why did you create
Something you were bound to hate?
You suffocate me
I've never been this lonely
Why did you pretend
Like you were different from them?
'Cause you've never meant
Anything you ever said
And as my eyes run red, I know
All the ways in which I'll never grow
'Cause there's nothing left
To ache for once you're dead
And I don't hope to rest in peace
(I know you'll still be haunting me)
Or a thousand angels at the gate
(All I love, I cannot help but hate)
I don't hope for much
(To rest is enough)
But I do hope he's there
(I feel him everywhere)
It's all in my head
Alone in this empty bed
The ghost of my dreams
The fear within tortured screams
My only solace
In everything so endless
But where have you gone?
The silence stretches on and on
I still listen for you every night
But the stars, it seems, have all burnt out
Living without it's just not right, and
I wish you were here to pull me down
I don't need the clouds
But my head is so loud
I don't need the pain
But it's always raining
I don't want to feel
Can't take this, it's too real
Don't let me love you
There's nothing I can do
So lay my head upon your shoulder
Close my eyes, I can't watch the time go by
So quiet...
(Can you hear me breathing?)
So cold...
(Could I be your shadow?)
I wanna hear you
breathe
Just wanna be your
shadow
[comments] => 11
[counter] => 686
[topic] => 61
[informant] => MoonlitAngel
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 20
[ratings] => 5
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => selfstruggles
)
Shadow
Contributed by
MoonlitAngel
on
Friday, 20th August 2004 @ 09:15:44 AM in AEST
Topic:
selfstruggles
|
I lay my head upon the ground
Not moving, I watch the world go by
And I feel it breathe
And I see its shadow
I hate this but I need it more
You're blind to what you used to love
And there's more to life
Than what gets you by
Why did you create
Something you were bound to hate?
You suffocate me
I've never been this lonely
Why did you pretend
Like you were different from them?
'Cause you've never meant
Anything you ever said
And as my eyes run red, I know
All the ways in which I'll never grow
'Cause there's nothing left
To ache for once you're dead
And I don't hope to rest in peace
(I know you'll still be haunting me)
Or a thousand angels at the gate
(All I love, I cannot help but hate)
I don't hope for much
(To rest is enough)
But I do hope he's there
(I feel him everywhere)
It's all in my head
Alone in this empty bed
The ghost of my dreams
The fear within tortured screams
My only solace
In everything so endless
But where have you gone?
The silence stretches on and on
I still listen for you every night
But the stars, it seems, have all burnt out
Living without it's just not right, and
I wish you were here to pull me down
I don't need the clouds
But my head is so loud
I don't need the pain
But it's always raining
I don't want to feel
Can't take this, it's too real
Don't let me love you
There's nothing I can do
So lay my head upon your shoulder
Close my eyes, I can't watch the time go by
So quiet...
(Can you hear me breathing?)
So cold...
(Could I be your shadow?)
I wanna hear you
breathe
Just wanna be your
shadow
Copyright ©
MoonlitAngel
... [
2004-08-20 09:15:44]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Shadow
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Friday, 20th August 2004 @ 09:32:38 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
I dont know why...but this almost seems like a song more than a poem to me.
I was almost putting music to it in my head.
*shrugs*
I think this is good.
I do think it gets better toward the end though and i love this:
And I don't hope to rest in peace
(I know you'll still be haunting me)
Or a thousand angels at the gate
(All I love, I cannot help but hate)
I don't hope for much
(To rest is enough)
But I do hope he's there
(I feel him everywhere)
It makes the poem stand out.
I also really like the end of it.
Um...constructive criticism....
I don't think there is anything i could say.
i like it as it is. Sorry.
Great write, Phil xxx |
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Re: Shadow
(User Rating: 1 )
by linagalMBfan01 on
Friday, 20th August 2004 @ 09:34:37 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
this is an excellent right i can't really place what it is at the end you don't like. it's really good though.
lina |
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Re: Shadow
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stitch on
Friday, 20th August 2004 @ 09:40:29 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
Moonlit,
I think this is one of your best. It's so heartfelt and raw and touching. Shadow is the perfect name for it. It's awesome, girl.
Stitch |
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Re: Shadow
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jenni_K on
Friday, 20th August 2004 @ 10:53:16 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
This is lovely, Moonlit... There's nothing to change about it....
Jenni |
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Re: Shadow
(User Rating: 1 )
by Willofree on
Friday, 20th August 2004 @ 11:30:52 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
I'm new at this, so I can only share how I feel. The poem felt like there was a powerful force. I felt sad, like everything put the person in a double bind with no way out. It felt profound. It held my attention.
Willofree |
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Re: Shadow
(User Rating: 1 )
by Nazmythian on
Friday, 20th August 2004 @ 12:14:16 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
This was an excellent read. Change not a thing !!!
Nazmythian ~
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Re: Shadow
(User Rating: 1 )
by sweetangeluk on
Saturday, 21st August 2004 @ 10:00:30 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
Magnificent every single word loved it from start to finish
Love Sweetangelukxxxx |
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Re: Shadow
(User Rating: 1 )
by ShadowDaughter on
Sunday, 22nd August 2004 @ 03:29:36 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
*grins* You know what I think of this one already :P, but just to say it again I love this . . . especially the beginning and ending stanzas and they way they sorta round this off, if that makes any sense. The image of the stars having all burnt out is stuck in my mind . . . sorta the definition of completely being alone (to me) and utter hopelessness-- talk about a wow image.
Great job ^^, as always.
love always,
Nora |
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Re: Shadow
(User Rating: 1 )
by Black13 on
Tuesday, 24th August 2004 @ 02:07:27 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
It was beautiful Dee.
It struck me to the core...
I don't even know what to say about it but... It was beautiful to me in a very... Painful way.
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Re: Shadow
(User Rating: 1 )
by bonita2689 on
Tuesday, 2nd November 2004 @ 12:06:39 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| I love this its so beautiful and it gives me chills... |
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Re: Shadow
(User Rating: 1 )
by secretwind on
Monday, 3rd October 2005 @ 10:47:49 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
like the way this flows
well done |
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