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Array
(
[sid] => 59975
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Hardly Noticed
[time] => 2004-08-13 04:47:57
[hometext] => I dont know where this came from, but when I got a thought in my head I just got rolling. Comments are welcome.
[bodytext] => Embraced by the freezing cold
as chilling words sting me
in a dark room, all alone
locked inside without a key
Like a cloud in the darkness of night
no one looks up to see
in this dark room I start to like
where everyone left me
They put me here in pure ignorence
not knowing what I'd do
they made me question my existence
this I know is true
The open world I dismissed
but this room's silence does me well
then in this room I start to notice
that this silence, is HELL
Why did I let myself go
attention is all I wanted
how was I supposed to know
that where I am this cannot be granted.
[comments] => 3
[counter] => 184
[topic] => 36
[informant] => Hakiokusaken
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 0
[ratings] => 0
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => Suicide
)
Hardly Noticed
Contributed by
Hakiokusaken
on
Friday, 13th August 2004 @ 04:47:57 AM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
Embraced by the freezing cold
as chilling words sting me
in a dark room, all alone
locked inside without a key
Like a cloud in the darkness of night
no one looks up to see
in this dark room I start to like
where everyone left me
They put me here in pure ignorence
not knowing what I'd do
they made me question my existence
this I know is true
The open world I dismissed
but this room's silence does me well
then in this room I start to notice
that this silence, is HELL
Why did I let myself go
attention is all I wanted
how was I supposed to know
that where I am this cannot be granted.
Copyright ©
Hakiokusaken
... [
2004-08-13 04:47:57]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Hardly Noticed
(User Rating: 1 )
by lovespoetic0518 on
Friday, 13th August 2004 @ 09:30:47 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
excellent poem. Isn't it wierd how some of our best writes just comes out of nowhere? Love this write. Take care
Kimberly |
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Re: Hardly Noticed
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on
Friday, 13th August 2004 @ 01:16:31 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
Well, you're all over the place here, I've noted the beats to each line.
You'll note that it reads a tad awkwardly when the beat is all over the
place like this.
Try to settle on a specific number of beats. If it's not possible for the
whole poem, settle on each verse.
Embraced by the freezing cold 6
as chilling words sting me 6
in a dark room, all alone 7
locked inside without a key 7
Like a cloud in the darkness of night 9
no one looks up to see 6
in this dark room I start to like 7
where everyone left me 6
They put me here in pure ignorence 9
not knowing what I'd do 6
they made me question my existence 9
this I know is true 5
The open world, I dismissed 8
but this room's silence does me well 8
then in this room I start to notice 9
that this silence, is HELL 6
attention is all I wanted 8
how was I supposed to know 7
that where I am this cannot be granted 10
*******************
Embraced by the freezing cold 6
as chilling words sting me 6
in a dark room, {-all} alone 6
{-locked} inside without a key 6
Like a cloud in {-the} dark{-ness} of night 7
no one {+to} look{-s} {+out for me}{-up to see} 7
in this dark room I start to like 7
where everyone {+has} left me 7
They put me here in {-pure} ignorence 8
{+No one knowing just what I'd do} 8
{+Shall I} {-they made me} question my existence 8
{+Else, how may we discern the truth?} 8
The open world I dismissed 8
but this room's silence {-does} {+suits} me well 8
then in this room I {-start} to notice 8
that this silence, {+to me} is HELL 8
attention is all I {+sought {-wanted) 7
how was I supposed to know 7
that {+here} {-where I am} this can{+'t} {-not} be granted 7
*******************
edit marks removed:
Embraced by the freezing cold 6
as chilling words sting me 6
in a dark room, alone 6
inside without a key 6
Like a cloud in dark of night 7
no one to look out for me 7
in this dark room I start to like 7
where everyone has left me 7
They put me here in ignorence 8
No one knowing just what I'd do 8
Shall I question my existence 8
Else, how may we discern what's true? 8
The open world I dismissed 8
but this room's silence suits me well 8
Yet, in this room where I exist 8
This silence, to me is HELL 7
Lack of attention , I lamented 9
But then, how was I supposed to know 9
That in this place, this can't be granted 9
Because there's no room for me to grow 9 |
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Re: Hardly Noticed
(User Rating: 1 )
by corrupted_minds on
Tuesday, 17th August 2004 @ 06:09:07 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
This is a awesome write.
corrupted_minds |
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