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Array
(
[sid] => 58810
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => What am i to you?
[time] => 2004-08-04 04:01:16
[hometext] =>
[bodytext] => When you look at me what do you see? Do you see a lonely girl sitting off to the side? Or a rebel waiting to break the rules Do you see the scars upon my flesh? Or the ones inside of my body Can you really see what I have gone through? Or lived through? Do you understand why I punish my self? Why I like to cut jagged red lines into my skin I feel like a puppet chained down Tied to many stings that control my body This is the only way I have my freedom The only way I control what happens in my life Can you see the tears that fall from my blue eyes? See what I live through The pain and sadness The cry of suicide is in my minds eye But I ignore it for I don’t want to die I just need to feel Feel the pain inside of me be set free Be released So there is no more I am a sinner in god’s eyes What I do breaks his heart I can’t be perfect any longer I used to be when I was younger But now im nothing The media has thin big-breasted women all over But what about us fat girls hmm? Do we not get respect any longer? When you walk into a store and try on your XL shirt And it doesn’t fit you feel like ***** You must force yourself to throw up your food Or just not eat Go on a diet for the rest of your life Isn’t it better to have a girl be all different sizes? Than all the same? I cut to make things better. At the time it feels great Then after im finished I feel the shame and guilt The pain re rise Then I see my fat thighs and I wonder will I ever be free? Ever have my life back. This self-mutilation is ruining my life Can’t you see what im living? Im Living a Hellhole life But when I started my cutting I learnt that it made things better It’s a stress reliever apparently But if you’re a cutter then you’ll know what I mean How it takes control Worse then drugs It’s the worse addiction Just feeling that blade across your skin And when you start to bleed You feel the rush inside The adrenaline rush that you depend on It’s all just to feel Just to take away the pain inside But it’s not that easy anymore You’re addicted to a worse drug then cocaine Addicted to the myth that cutting will make everything better Addicted to the rushes and taste of your blood The lies in the world that they tell you your fine Well maybe to that person but what about the other million people What do they see when they walk past you Do they think you’re beautiful or ugly? What are they thinking? You spend hours trying to figure it all out When you’re sick and tired you cut just to feel that release But you don’t feel it anymore So you keep cutting deeper till more blood comes in a flood But your skin is so scared that there is hardly any new skin patch for scarring Some people press harder on their tough skin It’s so tough you could stab your skin up and no blood would appear See not many people could understand the ***** that I go through So inless you expeirnce this awful repetitive cycle Don’t judge me It’s like anorexia bulimia and other addictions So repetitive you can’t control it But you think you can but you really cant There not much you can do You see your counselors and they seem concerned But are they really do they really care? [comments] => 1 [counter] => 202 [topic] => 13 [informant] => Gothik_twitch [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )
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