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Array ( [sid] => 58507 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Cast Away My Sun [time] => 2004-08-02 08:15:21 [hometext] => another one i'm not sure about....i'm wondering about the last two lines also......FEEDBACK PLZ!!!!!!! [bodytext] => crying soul, so quiet
you never seem to hear
my mind a constant riot
I reach out- you're never near
my heart, I bleed in agony
I wait for you to come
your promises never kept for me
you have cast away my sun
my life- I lived for me and you
and now you have tossed my love aside
so blind, so lost, so miserably true
my love was nothing, my love has died [comments] => 2 [counter] => 152 [topic] => 22 [informant] => emeraldeyes [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 3 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => LostLove )

Cast Away My Sun

Contributed by emeraldeyes on Monday, 2nd August 2004 @ 08:15:21 AM in AEST
Topic: LostLove

crying soul, so quiet
you never seem to hear
my mind a constant riot
I reach out- you're never near
my heart, I bleed in agony
I wait for you to come
your promises never kept for me
you have cast away my sun
my life- I lived for me and you
and now you have tossed my love aside
so blind, so lost, so miserably true
my love was nothing, my love has died

Copyright © emeraldeyes ... [ 2004-08-02 08:15:21]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Cast Away My Sun (User Rating: 1 )
by brew on Monday, 2nd August 2004 @ 08:20:49 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

So sad........maybe its time to move on with the word that written here!

Re: Cast Away My Sun (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Monday, 2nd August 2004 @ 11:59:41 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I'd prefer if you'd stated that your 'heart, it bleeds in agony' instead of what you wrote, as it is confusing in the context of the sun equating to the heart/soul.

As for the last two lines, I think you could be done with shortening the third-last.

"our love; It shone for me and you
before you cast its light aside"

And . . .

"Now blinded, lost from love, so true
my days are dark, 'neath night, enskied"

In my opinion, it strengthens the theme you've built upon losing the light of love and its connection to the appeal of everyday existence, by using 'night' and 'days'.

Hope this helps.

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