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Array ( [sid] => 57458 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Killer [time] => 2004-07-24 23:13:46 [hometext] => A poem about a killer. one we've all had the pleasure of knowing [bodytext] => It purges on the soul
Trampling it under foot
I took a walk to escape the rain
It doesn't taste as sweet as it should

It settles on the heart
Talons claw it violently
I cover my ears to drown out the thunder
Broken Silently

It stops the stream of red
And suffocates me so
I shield my eyes to the lightening
A guiding light I used to know

It eats me deep inside
And the life that I used to know
It anchors down the floating hope
And replaces it with burning sorrow

So in the end it comes to this
A bitter blackened dove
You left me one goodbye kiss
Oh how it kills...this thing called Love [comments] => 4 [counter] => 152 [topic] => 22 [informant] => Daniella [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => LostLove )

Killer

Contributed by Daniella on Saturday, 24th July 2004 @ 11:13:46 PM in AEST
Topic: LostLove

It purges on the soul
Trampling it under foot
I took a walk to escape the rain
It doesn't taste as sweet as it should

It settles on the heart
Talons claw it violently
I cover my ears to drown out the thunder
Broken Silently

It stops the stream of red
And suffocates me so
I shield my eyes to the lightening
A guiding light I used to know

It eats me deep inside
And the life that I used to know
It anchors down the floating hope
And replaces it with burning sorrow

So in the end it comes to this
A bitter blackened dove
You left me one goodbye kiss
Oh how it kills...this thing called Love

Copyright © Daniella ... [ 2004-07-24 23:13:46]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Killer (User Rating: 1 )
by Vermillion on Saturday, 24th July 2004 @ 11:31:24 PM AEST
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out-standing write with deep emotions.thanks for sharing
~vermillion~

Re: Killer (User Rating: 1 )
by PumpkinPie on Saturday, 24th July 2004 @ 11:31:35 PM AEST
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Love well represented when a heartbreak happens,nice comparasion,I especially liked your 4th stanza,I found parts of myself inside your whole poem and I think everyone can.Nicely done,
PumpkinPie

Re: Killer (User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on Sunday, 25th July 2004 @ 12:20:27 AM AEST
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touching write
michelle

Re: Killer (User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on Sunday, 25th July 2004 @ 05:20:35 AM AEST
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This is a nice poem. Good work!

Here are a few suggestions which you
might consider:

It purges {-on} the soul
Trampling it under foot
I took a walk to escape the rain
It doesn't taste as sweet as it should

It settles on the heart
Talons claw it violently
I cover my ears to drown {-out} the thunder
{-Broken} {+Breaking} Silently

It stops the stream of red
And suffocates me so
I shield my eyes {-to} {+from} the lightening
A guiding light I used to know

It eats me deep inside
And the life {-that} I used to know
It anchors {-down} the floating hope
{-And} replac{+ing{-es} it with burning sorrow

So in the end it comes to this
A bitter blackened dove
You left me one goodbye kiss
Oh how it kills...this thing called Love

Removing those few superfluous words strengthens the poem, in my view.

What do you think?

Stoney

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