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Array
(
[sid] => 54710
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => What I Do
[time] => 2004-07-04 03:08:50
[hometext] => About the things I do to keep myself from the reality of life.
[bodytext] => The world sees a smile, little do they know I lie. Just so they won’t notice what it is I’m trying to hide. When I’m alone, its not so easy to be fake. Believe me, sometimes I’m more than even I can take. So what do I do? I swallow my way to a better place. Pop pain pills just to help me look at this face! To get that relaxed feeling that everything is going to be okay, Feeling that high and not being afraid of what to say. The doses get larger, and I begin to become numb. I think I’ve built up a tolerance, taking more seems dumb. I need something to take away the edge, so I’m not so drab. Now only one thing gets this done, so I reach for the tab. From popping to dropping in no time at all!! But it’s back now, once again I’m not afraid to fall. Being able to set on that cloud, and reign from above. To talk to you without pain and feel the intensity of your love. Blocking out the memories and the constant grief, Suffocating the torturous thoughts, I know its only brief... I don’t think you understand the importance of a minute or two, A minute without all the pain and suffering, can you? Can you truly understand my need to get myself away? My throbbing need to have this needle deep in my vein? Adrenaline pumping through my body, through my blood, Racing from my head to my heart and balancing the flood. You plead your case, state its truths, but I already know. Nothing you can say can give me the sensation of H though! The track on my arms show my disability to grasp life, They show my faults, my escapes, but not as bad at that knife. You know that knife, see the scars that never seem to heal. It’s funny if you think about it. It’s just another way to deal. A way to force feeling when I know no feeling is here, A way to add to the silence with more silent screams and tears. The cold steel pressed against the skin of my thigh, I know you know I do it and all you can ask is “Why?” I’ve tried to explain this pure hatred of myself. You still don’t understand, lets put this one on the shelf. We’ll move to the next character flaw, my next big issue You know the one I’m talking about, I’m sure you hate that too... Anorexic to the core, I guess you could say skin and bones. Under 100 pounds and I can hear the disappointment, hear that tone. That sound only makes it worse and I start to feel unstable. Trying change everything for you but I’m just not able! I want to be what you want but not what I was in school, To keep myself away from that, I use not eating as a tool. There’s so many things that you should hate about me, So many things that you shouldn’t have to see. But, day by day, you stay by me, helping me through. I can do this, I just need time and love from you. [comments] => 4 [counter] => 167 [topic] => 13 [informant] => behind_green_eyes [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 10 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )
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