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Array
(
[sid] => 51264
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Gone This Love
[time] => 2004-06-10 04:57:31
[hometext] => I like the mechanised effect, but this is a bit overstructured maybe. Feel free to criticise.
[bodytext] =>
This is space
A miracle space
(With no devotions, void of feeling,
Lack of injure, lacking healing)
This my God
A calculated widsom of show and love
This my God
Feel no heart
Hear no heart
(Just holding still, faking beauty,
Fake belonging, falsing purity)
This my God
A cold hard case to wrap my love
This my God
Visions clear
Winter clear
(Gem-cut images, crystal rainfall,
Tears we cry, a silent footfall)
Nothing here
A once-warm memory of gone, this love
This my love
Softest touch
An unstirred touch
(Whispered memories, softer daydreams,
Living nightmares, curse these wild dreams)
This my God
This hope of wakening...crush this love
This my God
This is space
An empty space
(It knows no people, holds no feeling,
Loves this sickness, wants no healing)
This my God
These bitter ashes whom once I loved
This my love.
[comments] => 5
[counter] => 152
[topic] => 39
[informant] => wray
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 12
[ratings] => 3
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => Grief
)
Gone This Love
Contributed by
wray
on
Thursday, 10th June 2004 @ 04:57:31 AM in AEST
Topic:
Grief
|
This is space
A miracle space
(With no devotions, void of feeling,
Lack of injure, lacking healing)
This my God
A calculated widsom of show and love
This my God
Feel no heart
Hear no heart
(Just holding still, faking beauty,
Fake belonging, falsing purity)
This my God
A cold hard case to wrap my love
This my God
Visions clear
Winter clear
(Gem-cut images, crystal rainfall,
Tears we cry, a silent footfall)
Nothing here
A once-warm memory of gone, this love
This my love
Softest touch
An unstirred touch
(Whispered memories, softer daydreams,
Living nightmares, curse these wild dreams)
This my God
This hope of wakening...crush this love
This my God
This is space
An empty space
(It knows no people, holds no feeling,
Loves this sickness, wants no healing)
This my God
These bitter ashes whom once I loved
This my love.
Copyright ©
wray
... [
2004-06-10 04:57:31]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Gone This Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by holderofthestone on
Friday, 11th June 2004 @ 03:29:19 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
I think its nice. well structured great job A++++
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Re: Gone This Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Archie on
Saturday, 12th June 2004 @ 07:43:34 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| This is a good poem and I kind of get it, it seems that love ebbs then rises changes and matures when in actuality it is we who change. |
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Re: Gone This Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on
Monday, 14th June 2004 @ 12:51:43 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
Excellent! I like the structure very much. It is a dangerous sort of thing to use, because if it worked out any less well it would harm, but you used it to complete advantage, so it adds much. I like it a lot.
Bravo!
Andrew |
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Re: Gone This Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Butterat_Zool on
Friday, 18th June 2004 @ 10:36:08 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
| Overall a really strong poem. The mechanized effect coupled with the word crush in the fourth stanza really magnifies the power of that line, and sort of creates a feeling of desolation that carries well right on to the end of the poem. As for criticisms, i have a funny one... This poem almost feels like it needs a bit more detail, like your images are often highly intangible, and that gives the effect that there are almost two poems in here. The first one is everything in the parentheses along with the second-to-last line in each stanza, and that "poem" talks about love in a very broken, angular sort of way, building up and then fading into nothing but a stain on your heart. The second "poem" is everything else, which kind of seems like it's there just for the purpose of creating the mechanized effect, and that it's the repetition of those words and sounds, and not the words themselves that is important. When the two parts are intermeshed, they complement each other well, but the second group of lines still kind of seems like filler. I don't really know how to "fix" that, or if you even think that needs "fixing", but that's kind of how i read this one. I hope this helps you get this poem to where you want it to be. Keep up the good work, Butterat Zool. |
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Re: Gone This Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by wray on
Saturday, 19th June 2004 @ 09:24:43 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
Thanking Butterat_Zool for an awesome response yet again. Just wanted to note for appreciation's sake: Everything in normal text is what's going on now, in the real world, while everything italicised within parentheses is happening inside my head, my heart, my memories - the feelings that are really closest to me, some of them like brief lightning flashes to explain why I'm feeling so emotionally dead&empty&cold.
Buuut having said all that, I really did love your feedback and any other feedback ppl would like to offer (hint hint dammit I want criticism for this piece not praise). |
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