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Jeremy
Contributed by
Seans_Girl
on
Tuesday, 8th June 2004 @ 05:53:02 PM in AEST
Topic:
dedicatedpoems
|
I first met you on Halloween night
A night full of scariness and fright
Your face was painted like a clown
You wore not a smile, nor a frown.
I remember the day that we first met
Later your life ended with a stupid bet.
You ended your life for twenty
All you wanted was the money.
As we stay down here on Earth and pray for you.
We think of all the pain you have put us through.
I wish I could turn back the time.
And you could still be just fine.
I wish you could have just one more chance.
To be able to go to your last school dance.
Being able to go to your own senior prom.
To live the life you always would furlong.
To say goodbye to the ones you love
For now you will always watch from above.
Only to climb down from your long climb.
And take me to Heaven when it's my time.
Copyright ©
Seans_Girl
... [
2004-06-08 17:53:02]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Jeremy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Cole on
Thursday, 17th June 2004 @ 12:08:08 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| In thanks of you commenting on my poem, Inside, I have come to comment on your poem. I chose this one because it had no comments. Well, it's good. Um..I can tell you care about what you write, like it's important to you. That's a good thing, having emotion in your poetry. The only thing I see with you, and it isn't THAT bad, is you tend to rhyme all the time, or so it seems. I looked at a couple of other poems just to see if this one wasn't unique, but it isn't. You like to rhyme. Rhyming isn't so bad, but you can sometimes get the meaning across better in free verse. Sometimes, when rhyming, you force it, and it takes away from the great emotion you're trying to get across. When I say you, I mean a person in general, not just you. This is all just advice though. It's a fairly decent poem. |
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Re: Jeremy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 19th June 2004 @ 11:34:20 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Wow, this was sad but well done. I'll have to read more of your writing.
Very nice and deep
~Kris~ |
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Re: Jeremy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 19th June 2004 @ 11:35:25 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
Wow, this was sad but well done. I'll have to read more of your writing.
Very nice and deep
~Kris~ |
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