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Array
(
[sid] => 49045
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Cubicle Warfare
[time] => 2004-05-25 11:43:54
[hometext] => it's futuristic
[bodytext] => The mini-cam will ride
Inside the main divide
And every employee is seen
Right here on this computer screen
And unaware of supervision
Spies record your sense of mission
Subject to evolution
It's computer termination
You can't cry discrimination
This machine is your salvation
Gone are supervisors breathing
These machines are free of cheating
Gone is also litigation
Auto-judge does the summation
If there isn't a malfunction
You will live with your dysfunction
But if you the program tinker
And you do not point the finger
Favoritism will be your demise
It's a cell, not a surprise
It's what comes of selling lives
[comments] => 5
[counter] => 217
[topic] => 57
[informant] => jaavys
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 11
[ratings] => 3
[editpoem] => 0
[associated] =>
[topicname] => war
)
Cubicle Warfare
Contributed by
jaavys
on
Tuesday, 25th May 2004 @ 11:43:54 AM in AEST
Topic:
war
|
The mini-cam will ride
Inside the main divide
And every employee is seen
Right here on this computer screen
And unaware of supervision
Spies record your sense of mission
Subject to evolution
It's computer termination
You can't cry discrimination
This machine is your salvation
Gone are supervisors breathing
These machines are free of cheating
Gone is also litigation
Auto-judge does the summation
If there isn't a malfunction
You will live with your dysfunction
But if you the program tinker
And you do not point the finger
Favoritism will be your demise
It's a cell, not a surprise
It's what comes of selling lives
Copyright ©
jaavys
... [
2004-05-25 11:43:54]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Cubicle Warfare
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Tuesday, 25th May 2004 @ 06:10:10 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
kind of frightening, but i can evision this, very well written, javier, hugs n' love nessa
@->>->:- |
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Re: Cubicle Warfare
(User Rating: 1 )
by JT on
Wednesday, 26th May 2004 @ 02:13:41 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
great write. The big brother of the future, not a nice thought.
-jt- |
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Re: Cubicle Warfare
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Thursday, 17th June 2004 @ 10:34:51 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| this was an excellent write. we have a ray bradbury with us! |
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Re: Cubicle Warfare
(User Rating: 1 )
by Cole on
Thursday, 17th June 2004 @ 10:46:42 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
The rhymes are impressive, but they are distracting from what you were trying to say. As I was reading, I found myself focusing on those words instead of the point you were trying to get across. The final stanza was kind of confusing too. I didn't understand where you pulled favoritism from? It should have been more led up to. Overall, though, it wasn't a bad poem. I know it sounds that way because I only point out the bad things, but there were good things as well. I liked the story behind this, and as I said earlier, the rhymes were very impressive.
Since I critiqued your work, I'd appreciate the same from you.
Cole |
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Re: Cubicle Warfare
(User Rating: 1 )
by AcrosticCacophany on
Thursday, 9th December 2004 @ 04:21:11 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
Imagine my joy when I'd gotten wind of a fellow who called herself hardened against ctirique. Well, well, well.
Advocate of rhyme I may be, dilettante of doggerel, I am not. And I don't give kind comments, ever, so be ready to get what you don't think is going to hurt you.
The rhymes are lame. For one thing, if you're aiming for the purist perfect rhyme, you haven't done it, and if you're aiming for a witty, intellectual application, you're hugging the wrong end of the spectrum. Having written something between a joke and an outcry against privacy invasion, I laugh either way:
It's one thing to write an innovative poem that defies the classical and betrays the known; it's another to write utter excrement. Whatever you were trying to be good at, everything from the hodge-podge rhyme job to the flailing attempt at a resounding finish sound like the conventional "Hey, look, I slapped this on for fun tell me if you like it!" In most cases I smile upon the figure of a sophisticated word; here, with your two-bit lines and 3-bit stanzas, it sounds more like pennies ratting in an empty can. Anyone should know that sophistry needs no sophistication, and a good poem needs nothing of the sort. Rare is the occasion in which the rhyme resembles a fish gasping for air on the kitchen counter, and rarer--the poem that looks like the author was thinking about sushi. Little circular tidbits of spontanaeity rolled up in a paper-thin film called English, filled with eclectic ponderance and titillating tenacity. This digital
Californian roll, however, stands out the most in the way that it says practically nothing straight and instead muddles the comeplete and unedited message in a puddle of murky rhyme. The sentence structure was soon unseamed, the grammar met the guillotine, and the rhymes recoiled and ran away. Seriously, there are non-native speakers who could outperform this.
If the poem was out to confuse, contort, and corrupt the eyes of the English, I'm giving you two-thumbs up. Sadly, if it was anything else you've got enough work to keep you busy 'till next christmas. (And a world of fines for mental damages.) If this is your inspired work, I'd hate to see you slew out the daily double or even the occasional obstretric creation of something novel--your literary scalpel cuts about like a chainsaw, so merry Christmas to you too.
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