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Array ( [sid] => 42715 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Illusionist [time] => 2004-04-11 07:00:17 [hometext] => if your going to comment on my poetry just say the truth and how I can improve or what you dont like .. just dont lie .. [bodytext] => I stand safely, watching out,
inside my mind: worry and doubt,
stay away, don't come to near,
everything in you is what I fear,
just turn away, don't try to break through,
I build these barriers as protection from you,
it might seem like everythings okay,
and it is, as long as you stay away,
I don't want you to know what I feel,
I'm happy living my life so unreal,
all the feelings & things I don't show
are the nightmares I try so hard not to know,
you'll never see me sad, never see me cry,
so yes - your right - I'm living a lie,
but just remember when you look out and see,
the person your watching is definately not me.

[comments] => 3 [counter] => 157 [topic] => 43 [informant] => stormi [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 8 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => oops )

Illusionist

Contributed by stormi on Sunday, 11th April 2004 @ 07:00:17 AM in AEST
Topic: oops

I stand safely, watching out,
inside my mind: worry and doubt,
stay away, don't come to near,
everything in you is what I fear,
just turn away, don't try to break through,
I build these barriers as protection from you,
it might seem like everythings okay,
and it is, as long as you stay away,
I don't want you to know what I feel,
I'm happy living my life so unreal,
all the feelings & things I don't show
are the nightmares I try so hard not to know,
you'll never see me sad, never see me cry,
so yes - your right - I'm living a lie,
but just remember when you look out and see,
the person your watching is definately not me.

Copyright © stormi ... [ 2004-04-11 07:00:17]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Illusionist (User Rating: 1 )
by silent on Sunday, 11th April 2004 @ 07:09:37 AM AEST
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you wanted the truth so here it is from my point of view. Very well described topic, holds alot of truth, rhymed very well, seemed a tad off on the ryhming in the middle on the line "it might seem like everythings okay,
and it is, as long as you stay away," just slightly off, BUT only taking into account the flow from the line before. But not much at all, doen't really break the flow. Simply written but with alot of thought, so i thought it was extremely well done. Thanks for the read, enjoyed it.

Silent

Re: Illusionist (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Tuesday, 27th April 2004 @ 08:23:49 AM AEST
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You spelled 'too' wrong on the second line.
Apart from this, honestly, I can fault your rhyme insofar as its missing a foot here and there, but as silent said before, you have written something which you should be happy about. If you'd like to know where all the feet should go, send me a msg, and I'll elaborate further.
Good write, though. I don't see much rhymers of your potential around these parts.
Good luck.

Re: Illusionist (User Rating: 1 )
by SugimotoYouki on Tuesday, 27th April 2004 @ 08:47:23 AM AEST
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I might not be able to tell you very much about rhymes and rhythm, but the ruth I know, is, that you've greatly expressed your feelings in there...
powerful, a bit agressive
sad, mad, a bit angsty...
as I said, good work..
be proud of if

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