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Array ( [sid] => 42136 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Freedom [time] => 2004-04-07 05:42:28 [hometext] => Hi, thx all for feedback, I'll respond and add some of my own when I have more time..Hur [bodytext] => Lost paradise

Silken…soft beyond bearing…
Delectation shorn of its sense

No longer here

Stretches…marble…vast…empty…fulfilled…blinding
Peaks…ivory…
Penetrating the immaculate sky

No longer there

Why did you leave?
Why did I let you?

Your love
Swooned stoic…melted icequeen

Long gone

You’re beautiful

How light is a black hole?
Achromatic rainbow

Why did I leave?
Why did you let me?

Freedom
Unselfishness
Sacrifice
Untied bonds

My own way

At last

Free choice

Independence. Mine
…so alone…shining star…
no reflection
Self realization. I fought for it
…so lost…piercing scream…
no echo

Why do you let me
Why do you leave me

On this wandering world..?

[comments] => 5 [counter] => 180 [topic] => 22 [informant] => Hurretje [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 15 [ratings] => 3 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => LostLove )

Freedom

Contributed by Hurretje on Wednesday, 7th April 2004 @ 05:42:28 AM in AEST
Topic: LostLove

Lost paradise

Silken…soft beyond bearing…
Delectation shorn of its sense

No longer here

Stretches…marble…vast…empty…fulfilled…blinding
Peaks…ivory…
Penetrating the immaculate sky

No longer there

Why did you leave?
Why did I let you?

Your love
Swooned stoic…melted icequeen

Long gone

You’re beautiful

How light is a black hole?
Achromatic rainbow

Why did I leave?
Why did you let me?

Freedom
Unselfishness
Sacrifice
Untied bonds

My own way

At last

Free choice

Independence. Mine
…so alone…shining star…
no reflection
Self realization. I fought for it
…so lost…piercing scream…
no echo

Why do you let me
Why do you leave me

On this wandering world..?

Copyright © Hurretje ... [ 2004-04-07 05:42:28]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Freedom (User Rating: 1 )
by Jellybellyprincess on Wednesday, 7th April 2004 @ 09:50:52 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I love some of the one-liners in there. Like "melted icequeen" and "peaks.... ivory"
Once you gained freedom in the poem you saw its beauty ("free choice"), but just after you saw its downfall ("so alone") which I thought was a nice bit of writing.
One thing I might say would be to, instead of using an elipsis (....), you might want to try using line breaks, or whatever. Elipsis always make my mind wander, and I think that's a main purpose of them in writing. Without them you could get your point across easier.
But oh, I enjoyed reading this. I like it's absraction. Very nice =)

Hoping for brighter days and better luck ; )
God bless,
Ellen

Re: Freedom (User Rating: 1 )
by arden on Wednesday, 7th April 2004 @ 11:38:57 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

i love how you write. its just so awesome. this was sooo good. wonderfully done. keep it up.
Arden

Re: Freedom (User Rating: 1 )
by corrupted_minds on Thursday, 8th April 2004 @ 01:36:03 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

All good welldone nice write. I like how you've given the short and sharp form of poem with parts such as " Unselfishness, Sacrifice, Untied bonds " very straight forward. Keep it up.
Woei Queen

Re: Freedom (User Rating: 1 )
by Cynthia on Friday, 16th April 2004 @ 05:20:58 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

WOW! I love how you wrote this. Makes a person think. Excellent job. Very well done. *S* Cynthia

Re: Freedom (User Rating: 1 )
by bernard on Monday, 26th April 2004 @ 09:43:43 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Your poem is an excellent way of writing. I like the way you have broken the poem into subtitles. Great write.

bernard.

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