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Array
(
[sid] => 37377
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Ending It all
[time] => 2004-03-04 20:12:45
[hometext] => Be Honest, tell me what you think.
[bodytext] => Can you tell me if life will get better now? I feel like an ugly, plain, fat cow. I am being beat by my anorexic ways. I feel like a fake, my life is a series of plays. Lose 10 pounds is my first goal. If I do I can get rid of every roll 90 pounds, is that too much to ask? I want to hide, go away, be covered by a mask. Stupid, is what people, that know, tend to call me. That’s why I stopped saying stuff people let me be. I want to be skinny again. Be able to have food without worrying that it’s a sin. Why is it that anorexia for me is the best? I need a tutor to help me pass my test, Because between life and me, I have failed. I have so many restrictions, I feel like I’m jailed. I need to lose A LOT of weight. It’s horrible that the way I look is one thing I hate. Everyday and night I worry and gain more stress. I want to live less and less. I can't believe all the sins I have done. The sky is dark and gloomy, I see no sun. My life is depressing it causes me to cry. All the time I wonder what it would be life for me to die. At least I would end this mess that my life has become. I would no longer have to deal with being called dumb. I wouldn’t have to bother anyone with my fears. Never again would my pillow be filled with tears. I know this seems like the easy way out. But you try living a life filled with doubt. Anorexia is my way to deal. But in no way is it helping me heal. All the ways I use to handle my stress. Just seems to make my life a bigger mess. Everything I think of ends the same way. Death, it’s creeping up on me, day by day. I’m not scared though, who cares if I die. At least I would no longer have to live a lie. I’m always wondered about Steve up above. I’d get to meet my big brother, tell him that he is loved. Maybe for once I would feel loved and calm The stress would be gone; I’d no longer be a time bomb I have some good days but more are bad Depression is settling in, my mood goes from hyper to sad In cheerleading I fly through the air When I get dropped, it doesn’t matter; I don’t care I sometimes wonder what it would be like to die Would I ever again feel the pain that makes me cry? I know that I have some scary thoughts Just watch as I slowly die and my body rots. January 21, 2004 [comments] => 2 [counter] => 273 [topic] => 21 [informant] => perfection [notes] => (Edited by Mod_1 as requested) [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 0 [associated] => [topicname] => Lifepoems )
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