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To My Heart I Must Attend
Contributed by
stalkee
on
Saturday, 27th December 2003 @ 02:39:34 AM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
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Standing in my room,
looking at the moon
And there's a monsoon,
in me 'cause of what I feel for you
You're driving over,
it's hard to recover,
after calling your number,
and that makes me feel a little dumber
So you've arrived,
and so young is the night,
I am gonna try,
to tell you how you make my heart fly
Though I open my mouth,
none of the right words come out,
and now I'm starting to doubt,
that I can make a spark come about
And so the night it ends,
as we're the same ol' friends
And now to my heart I must attend,
because this torment makes my heart need a mend
Copyright ©
stalkee
... [
2003-12-27 02:39:34] (Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: To My Heart I Must Attend
(User Rating: 1 ) by EternitysLyre on
Saturday, 27th December 2003 @ 05:47:56 AM AEST (User
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a Message)
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Christ's sake, who gave this poem a 1?
It's better than that.
Alright, a bit of constructive criticism:
Your rhymes...well...it would be better if you found harder rhymes or a more complex way of saying this. It's a rather depressing emotion, and your rhyming gives it an unnatural upbeat disposition which isn't exactly what everyone's looking for. The last two lines are better than the rest, and more like those would be good.
Your rythm is nonexistent most of the time, and that doesn't work very well with rhyming.
Anyway, good job, if you're going through this, hand in there, you'll get the courage someday. Your poem is of the same origin as mine called "The Void" when the girl I had a crush on asked someone else to the prom two years ago (which is why the poem sucks) but mine takes a different look on things.
"Abulent affrontery may leave a burning stain, but sometimes best developments originate from pain."
~The Palatine Poet |
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Re: To My Heart I Must Attend
(User Rating: 1 ) by EmSal on
Saturday, 27th December 2003 @ 07:55:34 AM AEST (User
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a Message)
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Interesting...
Emma. |
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Re: To My Heart I Must Attend
(User Rating: 1 ) by venkat on
Monday, 29th December 2003 @ 01:29:01 AM AEST (User
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a Message)
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well painted..venkat |
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