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Array ( [sid] => 27622 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => i still cry [time] => 2003-11-22 00:53:05 [hometext] => [bodytext] => I Still Cry

raindrops falling on the ground
the reek of death is all around
the blood colored drops
that touch my face
bring back memories
that are hard to erase
memories of my mother
and the day that she died
how much i still miss her
and how much i still cry
but crying wont bring her
back to my arms
i must wait till i join her
which seems like so long [comments] => 2 [counter] => 255 [topic] => 39 [informant] => tortureddarkness [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => Grief )

i still cry

Contributed by tortureddarkness on Saturday, 22nd November 2003 @ 12:53:05 AM in AEST
Topic: Grief

I Still Cry

raindrops falling on the ground
the reek of death is all around
the blood colored drops
that touch my face
bring back memories
that are hard to erase
memories of my mother
and the day that she died
how much i still miss her
and how much i still cry
but crying wont bring her
back to my arms
i must wait till i join her
which seems like so long

Copyright © tortureddarkness ... [ 2003-11-22 00:53:05]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: i still cry (User Rating: 1 )
by Undeadsuperstar on Saturday, 22nd November 2003 @ 01:13:37 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

as far as you poem goes, i was quite affected by it. It is a very stirring very haunting poem. You did good at the end by making time seem eternal. The first three lines don't really go with the theme of the poem. Its like you wrote these lines and then decided to what subject you were going to follow. I would encourage you to revise these, use the first three lines to make your mother's memory more real to us as the readers. Perhaps you could refer to a picture, a scent, or ideally what about the rain is so reminiscent of your mother. I hope my criticism doesn't offend you, for it is meant only to be critical in the sense that you might be able to use it to improve your poem.

JZR

Re: i still cry (User Rating: 1 )
by 6_2 on Saturday, 22nd November 2003 @ 02:10:50 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Yiu obviously put alot of emotion into your poem, and it is very good.

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