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Array ( [sid] => 26581 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Torment and Disgrace [time] => 2003-11-06 15:58:37 [hometext] => I wrote this poem in about half an hour. It just came to me. I would really like a lot of input on the poem because I am still not sure how i feel about it, and if i need to add more or edit it some more. Thanks. [bodytext] => In the middle of a bloodstain,
Come love and pain.
I walk by,
With a dampened eye.

A knife lies crying,
By a hand that is dying.
The slowing rhythmic sound,
Of a heart unfound.

The wind blows through,
Her long up-do.
Exposing a fight,
That happened this night.

The blood slowly runs,
From the painful actions.
I kneel to the ground,
To see if help can be found.

In the powdery dirt,
I came alert.
A written gravestone,
For this girl unknown.

I squinted my eyes,
To see the letters capitalized.
Her name was familiar,
While my eyes suffered failure.

As my eyesight went poorer,
I screamed in horror.
My eyes wouldn’t show me,
Her face so gloomy.

For I already know,
Of the meadow,
That lies,
Behind her eyes.

I could not face it,
I will not face it,
The sight of my face,
In torment and disgrace. [comments] => 6 [counter] => 249 [topic] => 48 [informant] => scottishdancer [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 70 [ratings] => 15 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => EmotionalPoetry )
Torment and Disgrace

Contributed by scottishdancer on Thursday, 6th November 2003 @ 03:58:37 PM in AEST
Topic: EmotionalPoetry



In the middle of a bloodstain,
Come love and pain.
I walk by,
With a dampened eye.

A knife lies crying,
By a hand that is dying.
The slowing rhythmic sound,
Of a heart unfound.

The wind blows through,
Her long up-do.
Exposing a fight,
That happened this night.

The blood slowly runs,
From the painful actions.
I kneel to the ground,
To see if help can be found.

In the powdery dirt,
I came alert.
A written gravestone,
For this girl unknown.

I squinted my eyes,
To see the letters capitalized.
Her name was familiar,
While my eyes suffered failure.

As my eyesight went poorer,
I screamed in horror.
My eyes wouldn’t show me,
Her face so gloomy.

For I already know,
Of the meadow,
That lies,
Behind her eyes.

I could not face it,
I will not face it,
The sight of my face,
In torment and disgrace.



Copyright © scottishdancer ... [ 2003-11-06 15:58:37]
(Date/Time posted on site)





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Re: Torment and Disgrace (User Rating: 1 )
by Merry on Thursday, 6th November 2003 @ 09:14:37 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
overall this poem has a lot of possibilities - not sure i follow the train of thought from beginnning to end - needs a bit of clarifying perhaps - not sure what happened to whom or why - but there are some very nice descriptive phrases :

In the middle of a bloodstain,
Come love and pain.

is really a very strong start and then this verse is also excellent

For I already know,
Of the meadow,
That lies,
Behind her eyes.


merry


Re: Torment and Disgrace (User Rating: 1 )
by bobotheclown on Friday, 7th November 2003 @ 06:17:55 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I found this easy to understand a great poem overall.
The blood slowly runs,
From the painful actions.
Everything rhymed except for those two lines, don't know how u can change it or even if u want to. I thought it was a great poem and would just leave as is.

Bobo (Joel)


Re: Torment and Disgrace (User Rating: 1 )
by Wrybod on Monday, 17th November 2003 @ 03:36:01 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
In the middle of a bloodstain
lie blood and pain
and I heave a sigh
with dampened eye

An unfeeling knife
in a hand without life
few beats count the cost
of a heart that is lost

The wind gathers pace
to uncover her face
distorted with fright
by events of the night

The blood flow slows
now the body knows
that the soul has gone
nothing lingers on

In the powdery dirt
she lies inert
Her tombstone saved
but not engraved

Unwritten stone
for this girl unknown
Yet my eyes could see
a name kown to me

I shrank in horror
blinded with terror
I could not see her face
it had gone without trace

But I already knew
of the meadow view
and the sunlight skies
behined her eyes

I must leave this awful strife
I cannot bear to live a life
harnessed to this sad disgrace
the self same knife will cut my trace

Bob Mackay (Wrybod)

just a few modest suggestions , seeing you asked. But I'm not sure I got the storyline right.


Re: Torment and Disgrace (User Rating: 1 )
by hawaii06 on Wednesday, 21st January 2004 @ 12:35:15 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
very sad and deep...I hope you keep writing...you are a good writer and I hope to hear more from you...


Re: Torment and Disgrace (User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on Monday, 2nd February 2004 @ 02:37:36 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
this is great, you set this out very well and at times I can almost feel your pain(not that I want you to be in pain) anyway Im blabbering but I liked this!
Michelle
ps are you really from Scottland??Just curious about the name?????


Re: Torment and Disgrace (User Rating: 1 )
by SkaterGirl16 on Thursday, 11th November 2004 @ 06:24:45 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
Very well written.




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