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Array
(
[sid] => 25055
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => All That She Is
[time] => 2003-10-14 22:37:19
[hometext] => .......this is for knowledge.........
[bodytext] => She has a wish of pure love. She has a need to always feel safe. She wants to never hurt again. She grew up way too fast. She was taught how to be a woman long before she understood how to all on her own. She needs to always have that safety net. She needs one appreciation source, one body to give to, one man to love, one man to love her back. She needs all the scars to smooth over. She needs to learn how to trust and then to cry. She has a dream that she's terrified will never come true and a nightmare that refuses to disappear. She feels she remembers so much pain from the past that it jeopardizes her present and destroys her future. She has suffered at the hands of others, so much malice, anger and psychotic penance for their sins that she still cannot breathe freely. She desires a day she feels such infinite peace that she still cannot breathe. She aches to be loved so unconditionally, so purely by only one person that wants only her, the real her. She's so tired of always being scared, tired of knowing the outcome simply by comparison. She's so terrified of the day she'll feel good and safe because she knows she'll lose it in the end. She wished she was never that vulnerable, naive, wished she never trusted, only to feel the inevitable betrayal. She wished she never heard the vile laughter. She's never learned to love with her mind or her heart, only her body. She's never learned not to take everything as a rejection, an emotional assault. She feels so trapped when someone says they love her because shortly after that they'll be hurting her. She feels such a strong pull towards self-destruction, degradation, the voices telling her all the negative is all the truth there ever really is. She aches to be loved for a lifetime, nurtured, protected, challenged and adored. She would erase her past in a second to obtain true peace, erase the violation, pain and abandonment to just for on day feel the love, accept it into her for truth. She wishes she felt revengeful, instead only painful regret for things she could never control. She wants to never leave the safety net of the arms of her rescuer, never feel them inch away from her, interest gone, boredom settling, animosity and resentment clouding over. She wishes to never now the desire for anyone else, never not be desired, never need a new start over and over and over again. Wanting and dreaming and nightmares and peace, restlessness and futility, painful regrets and tortuous past, needing attention and feeling lonely, aching to love, aching to be loved, purely for her. This is all that she is and hoping to the fateful angels her patience will survive until it's time for her to hurt no more. [comments] => 6 [counter] => 235 [topic] => 48 [informant] => jaeann [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => EmotionalPoetry )
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