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Array
(
[sid] => 22354
[catid] => 1
[aid] => Mick
[title] => club meds - #1
[time] => 2003-08-26 03:45:00
[hometext] => a series of writes about my stay at a hospital for depression.
[bodytext] => damn, the emergency room, and all because i can’t stop crying…terminal tears. my eyes are dry now, so do i say, excuse me, though no tears just now, i’m here because i can’t stop crying? but i was crying, as soon as she asked me to sit down and asked me what was wrong. everything but nothing at all…please, just make it stop. yes, i have no appetite (you can leave that one with me), no, not sleeping much. yes, i'm not going out much. work...i just can't. and have i thought of suicide…hmm, well i have a daughter, i can’t. do you have another box of tissue? nice to lie down; god, what am i doing here? what the hell is off with me? take these the doctor said, and i’ll come back. tears still pouring, whatever he gave me is starting to take them away. the doctor’s back and asking me questions i can’t remember, and said he could do one of two things, send me home with a bottle of tranquilizers, or call social services, and have them see about checking me into a hospital. lovely choice. can you give me about 10 minutes to think. well, i don’t think sending me home with a bottle of tranquilizers is good idea; they just take feeling away and i need to deal with it. the hospital. i wasn’t expecting that. not at all, and i don’t know that i want to go. and the last thing my daughter needs, is to worry about her mom in the hospital; she’s got enough on her plate with the divorce. but i’m not much good at being mom lately, and that’s not good for her either. damn, the doctor’s back, and i still don’t know…that’s not like me. how did i get to this? if i can’t make a decision, perhaps i should go. call, then. she was nice; can’t remember her name though. she talked to me for a while, said if i decided to go, it would be a voluntary admission. does that mean i can leave when i want to? yes. how long do you think i’ll be there? from a couple of days to a couple of weeks. fine, i’ll go. where do i sign? i’ll tell my daughter that i’m going away on business again; guess i better call her dad. i think you’re doing the right thing, she said. so this place is on top of a hill by the ocean; i can check in this evening. then i better go home and pack. yes, i can drive; i’m no longer zonked. almost 8pm. hello…well her name is easy to remember; same as mine. it’s getting late and i’m really not up to the drive, and yes, i want to drive myself. i am ok and will be ok tonight. i’m just going to sleep. ok, i’ll be there at 11am tomorrow. so i think i have everything i need, and it’s only 4:30 pm. glad i called and said i was running a bit behind. i should get there about 6pm (only seven hours late). pretty drive, when you get to the coast. i wish i had my glasses, can’t wear contacts lately. it’s on a hill, alright. gorgeous view. ok, girl…walk through the door. ah, the woman who called me last night; nice to meet you. more questions, same questions…and here come the tears again. ridiculous. thank you for helping me with my things. excuse me, is this lock down? i wasn’t expecting this, yes i’ll sit here. my blood pressure is always low. what are they doing with my luggage… they are going through everything, including my purse. disrobe and put the gown on so they can check my clothes. open the gown, so they can check me. lovely. dressed again and sit with the admit nurse while she explains whatever; can’t remember really. lot’s of papers to sign. medical doctor’s here now to write order for the meds i take at home, plus ativan if needed for sleep (if this is where i’m to stay, will probably need it). oh, can you look at this, i was outside the other day. i’m not sure if something bit me, or i nicked it gardening. thank you. we’re done here. oh, so you have my wallet and keys, license and cc’s which you are sending to admin to put in the safe. ok, guess that means, i can’t just leave. nice to know, i suppose. where can i smoke a cigarette? excuse me, one cigarette every two hours; are you serious? lovely. this is my room. oh my god, where is my luggage and why are all of my things in paper bags, and where is the belt to my robe? pencils, pens, spiral notebooks, *****, even my toothbrush, make up, lotion…all gone. what? do they think i might try to drink my bottle of hand lotion? wonder who my roommate is. oh god, look. they’re lining up for meds…where is nurse wratchet? smoke break, it’s 10pm. unlock the door to the other wing…unlock the door to the patio…hand out the cigarettes. yuck, this patio is like a cage; bars on all sides, even across the top. that mural could use some updating. ok, then, back in we go. guess i’ll go back to my room and put my pj’s s on. glad my bed is by the window; oh…bars again. and hi to you, guess you’re my roommate, nice to meet you. i did not expect to be in a lock down facility. oh, everyone comes here first. after the psych doctor sees me, he’ll probably transfer me to the building up on the hill. you are going tomorrow? well, maybe i’ll get lucky, then. [comments] => 3 [counter] => 197 [topic] => 21 [informant] => painted_echos [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 4 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => Lifepoems )
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