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Array
(
[sid] => 22128
[catid] => 1
[aid] => Mick
[title] => Suicidal Dreams
[time] => 2003-08-20 06:45:00
[hometext] => Needed to vent.
[bodytext] => I cannot take this anymore I'm bogged down with secrets So many memories that bother me The bad ones are scary And the good ones will never be again I've tried so hard to be strong and hold on But I've been slipping farther down all along This wolrd makes me sick And I want to move on To something new and better But I just can't seem to let go I'm sitting in the rain Wishing things away But as usual, I don't get my way I'm tired of crying tears That no one else can see I'm sick of having fears Of what the next day will bring I've lost count of how many times I've cut and watched myself bleed And I've given up hope Almost entirely The truth is I am worthless I keep making wishes That will never be Each day my pains grow stronger Making it harder to make people think That I am really quite happy I know deep down that everyone is disgusted In my pathetic self I really think it's time to leave... I can't go on anymore I think I've suffered long enough I can never win the battles inside The darkness always wins as the happiness dies Fat is who I've become And I can't tkae it anymore Each bite of food makes me feel worse than before I wish you all would see That anorexia is a part of me Yes, that's right, I am an ana-wanna-be Food is disgusting It ruins your body Fat is demoralising And makes you ugly I hate that I can 'pinch an inch' And can't fit in a size 3 I shame myself when I walk by a mirror I just want to be thin and pretty I like feeling hungry And I like going days without eating I never regret it I want to be an anorexic beauty Why can't any of you understand me? You always have to make me eat And then I have to purge it Just leave me be And I'm so ashamed of what happened I think back to the night of that party And remember those things he whispered I can still feel his hands all over me Saying softly to be calm, that everything's okay He took advantage of me He wouldn't stop groping me I tried to stop him But I was just to weak He knew I was vulnerable That sick freak Now I can't be touched without cringing I tremble at every look See what you done to me? And how many times have I ODed? Not enough, because I am still alive I never seem to fall into that endless sleep I always have to wake up What is wrong with me? I've tried all that I can think of Except taking them all Do I have the guts to do that? Stupid tylenol doesn't work at all I even took more than half a bottle of cough syrup I made sure to drink it gone Last week I drank a glass of bacardi With some pills on the side I got really sick But I am still here aren't I!? Maybe tonight I'll try one more time I know there are bottoles of tylenol and exedrin inside I can't take it, I just need to die This is it, this is the night That I will take all I can And lay down to eternal sleep For in that sleep of death What dreams may come! Now what about that guy? He stole my heart from me And I'm not sure how or why I thought that I could trust him But I see that I was wrong I don't know why I thought this time would be any different I cannot trust anyone Maybe some more than others But fully, I dare not Before I was so lost But at least I had my heart Now everything is gone And I am even more lost without him That I was at the start Is this all his fault that I feel so hurt? No, of course not, that would be absurd This is my fault just as everything always is I'm watching the rain now In the sunroom that we have It's sliding down the window pains Pooling on the ground I love the flashes of lightning And that clap of thunder that follows Sometimes that's what I feel like is inside of me A neverending thunderstorm Maybe that's why I'm constantly crying And things seem so dark Oh what am I to do? Sit here forever and write by myself As I wish for things to get better How many times can I lie to myself About things getting brighter I am losing it I can't hold on much longer I have to do something soon Before I lose that last bit of faith In myself and this world That last bit of hope Is all that's holding me here Now, I will continue to sit alone As I write more poems To fill up my time [comments] => 1 [counter] => 273 [topic] => 36 [informant] => lostforgood [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 2 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => Suicide )
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